THE RETARDED SIX

I was in college just broke up with my first girl friend and my fourth foster father was kicking me out. I needed a job and a place to live. My now x girlfriend was nice enough to hook me up with an interview with the company she worked with. The job I was interviewing for was to live and work in a house with six other adult retarded men. The deal was if I got the job I get a room in the house free food and a hundred bucks a week. Hey as long as I didn’t have to wipe ass It sounded cool to me. And the house was on the beach in Winthrop Ma. It was a gray three family house. The company I worked for had the first two floors and there was a regular family who rented the third floor. I remember walking in for my interview there was this two hundred pound short blond hair lesbian who greeted me at the door. I already knew her. She was my ex girlfriends boss. I think she liked me and yes I mean sexually. She was the one who hooked this whole thing up and basically gave me the job. She was over weight with short hay colored hair and had moles all over her face and arms. She was not the most attractive women on the planet but she was one of the coolest on the planet. My boss boss was this little thin lady with a pot belly, greasy strait hair with greasy skin to match. She whore vintage close not to be fashionable but because those were the close her mother gave her to wear, I never saw her in anything new. Ever time she walked in the door the whole world would go black and white, it was like we were in the forties again. She was a mess to look at but not as bad as her mother who worked there on weekends. Her mother and her looked the same short, bad skin, greasy hair. But her mother had one more ugly super power than her daughter did, Her teeth. I don’t know if I can describe the fucking hideousness of this women’s teeth but I will try. Well for starters she couldn’t close her mouth with out using every muscle in her face. Did you ever see those fake redneck teeth they sell around Halloween time, those were her teeth exactly. The smell that came of these rotting bones hanging from her mouth would make you want to puke. There would be Windex next to every phone in the house on weekends because when she talked on the phone her fucking stank would stick to the phone like bad pussy to a finger. Did you ever smell really bad pussy. Well this was ten times worse than that. But it was coming out of her mouth. If you want to know what it smelled like get a snake and let it shit in your hand and smell it. That’s kind of what her breath smelled like. Now I’m not pulling my own chain but back then the lady’s loved me. I was in shape and looking good. And when I went in for this job I owned the room. These three ladies never had a cutie like me want to work there. I was young and in shape and would be living there. So the job was mine basically. The only question I had was, did I have to wipe ass. There was no way I was cleaning ass off an old retarded guy. She assured me I would never have to do this. These guy were called high functioning. Which meant they had jobs and did pretty much everything on there own. So off we went to meat the guys. I guess I was going to have lunch with them. There were six guys total in the house three down stairs and three up stairs. I would be living up stairswith those guys. We walked up to the second floor to meet the guys they were all in the kitchen getting lunch ready. The first guy I met was Barry. He was in his fifties with a big belly and brown hair and had a huge tong that would swaaaap in and out of his mouth like a monitor lizard every couple of seconds. Later when we got to know each other I would play the tong game with him. It’s kind of like the game when you hold your hands over your friends hands and try to smack them. Well we did this except with my finger and Barry’s tong. As we were watching TV I would slowly put my finger under his chin and he would try and snag my finger with his tong. If he could flick his tong out and snag my finger like an unsuspecting frog on a branch, he gets a point. If I could pull my finger away with out him touching it I get a point. He would win most of the time. And it would fucking grouse me out. Just looking at my finger with a nice coat of slime on it with some food chunks from a week ago would make me gag. But it was fun watching how He would chuckle in triumph every time he snatched my finger. Then there was Charlie I think he was in his sixty’s. He was very thin and his head would move all around the place like it wasn’t attached to the rest of his body. He had a very long neck to Sometimes his head would enter a room before the rest of his body. Then there was Billy, he was around five two with a black mullet. He had silver rings on every finger and a black concert t-shirt on. He looked like a head banger just retarded. We all sat down at the table for lunch. I think we were have veggie soup and peanut butter sandwiches. It was the first time I ever ate lunch with retarded guys before and let me tell you I almost puked. They were talking and there tongs were flapping in and out of there mouths. Food was flying every where. In my soup on my wrist it was like they were having a food fight with there mouths. I was on the verge of puking the hole time. But I knew I had to keep my shit together if I wanted this job. So I sat there and flicked pieces of wet PBj sandwiches off my wrist and face and plucked them out of my soup and smiled.. Lunch was over thank god and we went to meet the other guys.
The next guy I met was Pete he lived on the second floor with Barry and Charlie. Pete was a very quiet guy he didn’t say much to you, especially if he didn’t like you. And Pete sure didn’t like me. He looked almost like a regular dude except for that glaze in his stare when he looked at you. The next guy I met was Leo. he lived on the first floor. None of the other guys liked him because he was the least functioning of the house. Ya see the big thing with retarded people is that they are treated normal, just like anyone else. And for the most part they are except for the hole not being able to understand what the hell they are saying, there tongs swapping in and out of there mouths and no math skills. They all had jobs they dressed themselves and fed themselves. But Leo was the worst of the bunch and the other guys hated him. He was pretty annoying to be honest. He would repeat your name over and over and over. Hi bob how are you bob bobs here to wake me up hi bob I have to wake up bob bob bob bob bob is a nice guy bob likes me right bob. Bob bob bob bob bob bob bob. Ya I think that could get on your nerves. Then there was Ed. He was a big dude. He had a crazy head of gray hair and a big huge belly and a mustache. He ran the first floor he hated Leo the most because he made ED look bad. Leo would be late for the bus every morning and Ed would be ready an hour before the bus came. Hey that would piss me off to. But Ed didn’t like me at all. Before me there was all women working at this place and now there was another Alfa male in the house and someone had to be bitched out. I guess the last guy that worked there Ed chased around with a butcher knife and tried to kill him. Not knowing I would have my own knife experience with this big gorilla. My job was to be there from eleven at night to eight in the morning five days a week. The other days and hours I could do what I wanted. I just had to make sure ever one was up and off to work and then I could go back to bed. One morning I went down stairs and Ed was in a foul mood bitching about Leo not being up. So I went into the kitchen to calm him down. He was pacing back and forth not even listening to me. He had around a hundred and fifty pounds on me. So I told him he had to chill out and relax that’s when all hell broke loose. He stared yelling at me – don’t tell me what to do you can’t tell me what to do. That’s when I said yes I can. very calm and professionally. I was talking like I had a degree in psychology. Ed please just relax and lets talk about this. And that made him even madder. And that’s when he picked up the knife and started screaming at me. But the thing Ed didn’t know was that I was a fucking phyco too, and when he picked up that knife I lost my shit at the top of my lungs I said – going head you mother fucker stab me but I’m going to stab you right back and then I’m going to beat the shit out of you mother fucker. Now I don’t think that is in any of the books on how to deal with mentally retarded patients but it worked. Ed was so fucked up that some one Yelled back at him. He was so scared of my rage that his anger turned into fear. That’s right now he was afraid of me beating the piss out of him that he pussy right out. He said I’m sorry bob I didn’t mean to yell Its just that Leo is going to make me late I’m sorry Bob. I then got my shit together and told him to sit and wait in the living room and not bitch anymore. I would take care of Leo for him. He said ok and we never had a problem again. Now I’m not telling anyone to get into a knife fight with a retard but it worked that day.
Now as far as Leo goes I don’t have to much to say about him. This may sound harsh but because he was so annoying to be around always repeating your name over and over I didn’t really hang out with him to much. I could see why the other guys didn’t like him he was fucking annoying ass hell, Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob. I amost went crazy just being around him.
I remember the second day on the job I was waking up at six to make sure everyone was up and doing what they were suppose to. I had to take a wild shit So I was in the bathroom enjoying a nice cramped filled doo doo. When I jump off the toilet and started screaming like a little bitch. There was an animal on the sink and I didn’t know what the fuck it was I just started hitting it with the plunger as hard as I could and screaming. That’s when Barry opened the door and he was laughing his ass off. He came in grabbed the hairy monster and put it on his head then he grab its teeth and put them in his mouth. This asshole was bald and had no teeth. I guess he was in the bath room before me and left his wig and teeth on the sink but the way he put them one on top of the other it looked like a critter of some sorts. He walked out laugh and saying my name. I was fucking pissed. Mother fucker got me and got me good. I don’t think there is a more humiliating thing than having some retarded guy laugh in your face and pointing at what an asshole you are.
There was one time I had this chick come over after hours. My job started at eleven at night and by the time most of the guys were in bed so it was just me alone. I would have these chicks come over after eleven and hang for a wile. It was harmless I would just bring them into my room and bang and then most of the time they would leave. Oh ya one thing I would never tell new chicks that I lived at my job. I would just say I had really weird roommates. The look on there faces when a couple of these guys would come out was priceless. It was night of the living dead. Just these old retarded guys all sleepy eyed coming at ya. These guys weren’t stupid either. If they heard me bringing a chick in they would wake up to meet her. Just because you are retarded doesn’t mean you don’t love pussy. These guys are horny all the time. They would come out go to give these chicks a hug hello and they would grab a boob. I would scold them for it but that didn’t stop them. Barry don’t do that I would say. Starryyy baaaaaab That sorry bob in retard for those of you who are not fluent. She would say oh its ok he’s fine. Oh great I had to spend a hundred bucks on you and listen to all your hopes and dreams for three hours just to get a shitty hand job. This guy drools on his shirt he gets to turn your tits like radio nobs you Liberal douche. These guys liked sex boy or girl it didn’t matter. When I first started working there I would walk around in my underwear in the morning. Back then I had the body for bikini under wear so that’s what I had. Well if these guys like you they mimic you. So there next clothing voucher they went to the store and they all bought bikini underwear. It was disgusting these old retarded men walking around in pastel colored bikini underwear. There was ass hanging out nuts every wear. It was just wrong. Well one night I heard my name being called from Barrys room so I went in there to see what he wanted. When I got there he was laying on his bed with his tail green bikini underwear on. I said Barry what do you want? He then told me to leave and so I did. I heard it again my name over and over. Baaaab oh ya Baaaaaaaab ya bab ya bab. I ran into his room and there Barry was with his underwear down to his ankles jerking off to me. I was flattered and mad at the same time. I told him never to do that again and left the room. I didn’t want to be mean to the guy. I mean he could have used his retard strength to make me suck his hooked hog. Then were would be in this story.
So anyways back to my story about the girls I would bring back. One night I had this Italian girl I new from when I was younger. I never got any sexy off her because we were to young at the time. But now she was a dirty slut. Someone pimped her and she liked it. We were making out and getting naked on the floor. Just when I was about to put it in her puss puss. She leaned in and told me to fuck her ass. Now I’m not a real big fan of ass fucking But I guess she was and I’m not a party pooper. So I wet the tip of my hog and pushed it into her ass. Ya raw dog you fagot. This was in the early nineties there was no aids back then. So we were just getting into it when I heard my name being called. Not in a dirty I’m jerking off to you kind of way like Barry was doing more like please help me bob. So I pulled my fudge sickle out of her ass and moved toward the bathroom. When I got there I could hear Pete whispering out my name. I open the door and almost puked. There was Pete standing there with shit all over him and the bathroom. It looked like he wet shit his pants and someone spun him wile he was dong it. It was everywhere. I was freaking out. I had this hot Italian chick wanting it in her ass in the other room, And this guy standing in shit asking for my help. I threw him in the shower hosed him down made him take his close and clean up the shit on the floor with his close and some towels. Then we took the close and towels and put the in the shower and he cleaned them then I made him get some Windex and wipe everything down. It took me like ten minutes. And the was great time. If you saw how much shit I had to clean up I should be in a record book some where. But the smell and the brownness of it all had entered my brain. I went back in the room to this girl lying naked on my floor. Just wanting me to stick my mule in her ass. But I couldn’t I would have puked on this girls back side. She was like come on baby fuck me in the ass. I was like look I just cleaned up a bunch of ass in the bathroom and I don’t think I can do that right now. I told her she should just go and she did. I never saw her again. So if you read this whatever your name is I would love to finish the ass fucking we started. So in the end I had to clean up shit. I knew it the day I started that job that some day I would have to clean up shit in some form.
If any of you are familiar with my scaring people joke well this house is were I got it from. The guy on the first floor Billy was scared of his own shadow. He would turn all the lights in the house on every night after I would go to bed. I would then wake up to my boss yelling - at me that all the lights were left on last night. I would tell her I shut them out. I couldn’t figure it out, until one night I went down stairs turned all the lights out and hid in the bathroom. Sure enough as soon as this little mother fucker thought I was gone Billy would sneak out of his room and turn all the lights back on, cursing my name the hole time. Fucking baaaaaaab what and asshoooooole baaaaaaab. So I went back out and turned the all the lights back off and rubbed against his door. I ran back into the bathroom and waited for him to come out. He did but this time he was freaked out. He stuck his little head out side his door and said. Baaaaaaaaaaaaab ita tat dew baaaaaaaaab. When he thought it was safe he went back out and turn the lights back on. I did this again and again but the last time I turned the light in the bathroom off. I left in on all these times so he wouldn’t come into the bathroom were I was hiding like a fourteen year old girl. He started to the bathroom were I was hidding. I was hiding behind the door giggling with excitement knowing what was about to happen. He reached in to turn the lights on and I jumped out like the boogie man and screamed RAAAAAAAAAAAAAW. I thought I killed the little guy. He jumped back and fell to the floor convulsing screaming. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo noooooooooo do da dooooooooodaaaaaaaaaaaaa taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaago. Something like that. As he was shaking on the floor I was pissing my pants I thought I might have scared him normal. Like he might just get up and say hey dude thanks I have been waiting my hole life for someone to do that. Then I could go around the world curing retarded people by hiding in closets. But that didn’t happen he got so mad at me. He got up pushed me and told me to FUT OFF. I was dying for like an hour I couldn’t stop laughing. Just remembering his tough falling out of his mouth, His eyes rolling in the back of his head and his little hands fluttering to get the monster away. So that’s were I got the scarring people joke. I wound up working there for I think two or so years. It was one of the best jobs I ever had. These guys became my friends. My comedy started taking off around a year and a half into this job. I started having a hard time making it home on time to do my job. I started having to take days off for shows and it was getting way to much for me to handle So I had to quit. Leaving those guys was a very hard thing to do. They had become part of my family. I love them and I miss them. I don’t know if there still alive because they were old when I knew them. But I will always remember them. They were six of the coolest mother fuckers I have ever or will ever meet in my life. And I thank god for putting them in my life.

MY FATHERS

MY FATHERS

First off, I know some of these stories are not laugh out loud funny. I just wanted to go another way for a while. Not that I had you rolling on the ground with my last posts. Just know, the whole time I’m writing these stories, about every five to ten minutes I itch my asshole and smell it. Now, that’s said, lets get into it.
I have had four foster fathers, two step fathers and one real father. So, let’s start with my so called, real dad. I don’t know too much about him now, because we don’t talk. But, I will tell you what I know about him.
My fathers name is Steve.  He met my mother when she was fifteen and knocked her up with my sister. So you know they weren’t in love. They probably were drinking Schlitz and banged in some bush at a park. Ya, that’s right my mother was banging at fifteen. My mother came from an Irish Catholic family, so they had to get married. He was a good looking guy and from what I can tell, pretty smooth with the ladies. One of the reasons, I never got to know my father was because he was over in Vietnam when I was born. There is something about having a Vietnam vet as your dad.  I guess buy the time he got home my mother was finished with him. The way my father tells the story is he got home from Nam and my mother was fucking around on him.  I guess he tried to kill her or something, so they got a divorce.  I mean, can you blame him. You were just in a fox hole killing little dark haired charlies for two years.   You come home, your country hates you, and your wife is getting duked in the cheese by some comi fuckhead.  Like all vets he came home with a little thing called a drug addiction. From what he told me, he liked to drive around with a case of cough medicine in the seat next to him. So, from the time I was born, I never knew him.  My mother went back to my grandmother’s.   I grew up there. That was the only family I knew. I will get back to my real dad, or as my mother likes to call him, the sperm donator.
Ok, here I am, happy, living with my five uncles, two aunts, grandmother, grandfather, mother and sister, in one small house. It was like eight is enough. All of a sudden there was this guy hanging around. His name was Billy Manchington. He was six/ four, black hair that parted to the side and he had a mustache. I remember he would come by and we would go to these cool places that my mother never took me. Places like Bensons Animal Farm, Canobe Lake Park, and the beach. I didn’t understand it.   I was in kindergarten. When your that young, your like a dog, you like everyone.  Especially, people who give you treats.  This guy would give us a lot of treats. It happened so fast, one day I was living with my family, and the next we were moving into this strange apartment on the other side of town with this tall guy.  I remember the first day we moved in.  They took me to my room.  Holy shit my room.  I have never had my own room. My sister, mother and me shared a room, with my uncle my whole life.  But, now I had my own room with a door.  I was in heaven.  I remember opening the door to my room.  There was a brand new bed, a brand new desk, and a brand new toy box with all brand new toys. It was like fucking Christmas.  I have never felt that much joy in my life.  It was like a drug.  I didn’t know what to say.  Everything was fucking amazing.  This new tall dark guy was the shit. I think I even started calling him Dad.  Hey you, buy me enough shit, now I will call you daddy.  But, all this joy and excitement was replaced with fear, loneliness and hate.
In my room, I had this little alcove that had a little tv in it.  I would sit in there on my bean bag and watch TV for hours.  One night, I was in there, and the sun was going down.   Everything was still great, and that’s when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen.  I woke up and walked out to the kitchen, and that’s the day my life changed forever.  Up until this point in my life I had never experience violence or abuse.  I had never even seen it on tv. I just didn’t know people could treat other people like that. I just knew love.  I was fucking kid for Christ sakes.
As I open the door to my room to go into the kitchen, I was about to experience all that  bullshit for the first time and not the last.
My sister was on the floor with the phone cord wrapped around her body, crying like I have never seen someone cry before.  My mother was hunched over on the floor next to her, holding her stomach, trying to hold back her tears but loosing.  I stood there in shock for a second, not knowing what the fuck I was looking at.  The two people I loved the most in the world had been hurt bad and I didn’t know what to do. Then I saw him passing back and forth like a caged panther waiting to strike again.  My mother saw me and grabbed us, and took us both into my sister’s room.  They were both crying hysterically.  I just shut the door and locked it.  All of a sudden, he was there at the door like a horror movie.  Banging on the door, yelling at us to open the fucking door or he will smash it in.  I just stood against it, trying to hold him back from my sister and mother.  With every bang, I twitched. I knew I couldn’t let that thing get to them.  I had to hold the door and protect them.   I tried, but I could hold him back.  He smashed the door open with his foot.  I went flying back against the wall. The door smashed me in the face, and I hit the floor dizzy.  My sister screamed like a real monster was coming. I don’t remember what he said.  He just yelled something and left.  We all just sat there in shock, holding each other crying.
This went on for five years. This big bully took advantage of us.   Abused my sister, mother and me.  But, over the years, my tears turned to hate, my fear turned to rage. Getting thrown down a flight of stairs because your five minutes late.  Getting punched in the face because you don’t do what you’re told.  Getting wacked in the back of the head every time you say something stupid; will do that to you.  Humans are made to survive.  Over the years, I learned that the only way to fight this asshole is to be as violent as him. The day it all changed, is when I tried to stab him.  I don’t know what the fight was about.  He was fucking with me, and we got into it.  He started yelling at me. I was done taking it.  I was done being a little kid, and no one helping me.  I snapped, and got a nice fat steak knife out of the drawer and went after him.  To my surprise, he ran.  I was chasing this big asshole around the house, with a knife, and it was great.  It was the first time I felt empowered.  I could beat this guy.  My mother came running downstairs and grabbed me.  I was flipping out.  I was in rage.  All my anger, all my hate was coming out at this guy.   I had a knife in my hand and he knew I wasn’t fucking around.  While my mother was holding me back, he called me a punk.  He stuck his hand out and said “go ahead, stab me, you punk”.  I didn’t even hesitate.  I swung the knife down as fast as I could to stab his hand.  He pulled away, in horror.  He didn’t think I was going to do it. But, I would have plunged that knife into this cunt, until they pulled me off him.  I did it. I won.  He was finally scared of me, instead of me being scared of him.  I beat this fucking monster.  Later that afternoon, we were out in the backyard, trying to get a stump out of the ground.  It was uncomfortable for both.  I mean, I was just trying to stab this asshole and now were doing yard work.  There was a hatchet I was using to get this stump out.  I raised it over my head and this fagot jumped back like a little bitch. I had this six foot fag, gun shy of me killing him.  I just laughed.  The sad part of this whole thing was that I was in the fifth grade.  I was a kid and I had enough rage and hate in me that I would do anything not to get hurt again.   

 Not only did I have to deal with basic kid shit for those five years.  I had to deal with this psycho at home.  I just wanted to hide in a box and never come out.  He would fuck with my head, as well as, give me a nice whack, in my cute Cuban dome.  If he was in a fight with my sister, he would buy me a nice toy and get me on his side.  Same with my mother.  He would buy us both a toy.  I mean, we were kids.  If the monster you are afraid of is treating you nice, you take it.  Plus, I like toys, as some of my fans know.  You could by me a pineapple and lee press on nails and I’m happy.
My mom finally told this asshole to fuck off, and she wanted a divorce. But it was too late for me.  I was already fucked. So, we moved out of our house and moved into this shitty, two bedroom apartment around two blocks away.  It was like going from a mansion, to the projects.  My mom gave my sister and me our own rooms, and she took the living room.  Even though it was two blocks away, it was very different.  My mother had to work almost everyday to keep us afloat.  Me and my sister were not getting along.  So, I was alone everyday and it sucked.  So, I did what any good kid would do.  I went into a nice depression.  I just wanted to sleep everyday all day.  I couldn’t face the fucking day.  I was in sixth grade.  In the last five years, I went from being a happy fun loving kid to this rage filled, lonely, depressed ass; with no friends.  I would get up in the morning, kiss my mother goodbye like I was going to school.  I would head out the front door and go around to the back into the basement; where I had a corner with a pillow, a 13 inch TV and a blanket.   I would sleep all day.  I just couldn’t face the world.  I just shut down.  The only thing that I could do was sleep the whole day away.  I did this for like, two weeks, until I got caught.  I think it was a Wednesday, around one in the afternoon.  I woke up from my coma.  I was hungry but, I had already eaten my lunch.  So, I was just going to run to the store real quick and get some snacks.  I had to be quick because if anyone saw me, like a neighbor, I was fucked.  So, I opened the hatch to my depression chamber and ran full out with my head down, to the store to get a Susie Q.  I was flying down the street, not looking where I was going, and I bumped into someone.  I said sorry, and tried to go on my way.  That wasn’t going to happen.   As I went to leave, I looked up and it was my mother.  She was shocked, what are you doing home.  I told her I had a half a day, and she bought it.  I was so happy.  I went and bought my Susie Q’s.  I was on my way back to hang with my mom, with a big creamy smile on my face.  I walked in the door about to offer my mom one of my pastries, as I heard her yell my name.  As a kid, you get to know your mother’s tone.  There is the Bobby, that means:  come here dinner’s ready.  Then there is the bobby.  Which is: left a mess in the kitchen, or you ate something you were not suppose to.  Then there is ROBERT PATRICK KELLY!  Which means:  your fucked.   Her tone was the third, so I knew I was fucked.  I guess my teacher called to see how sick I was because I hadn’t showed up for school, the last two weeks.  I was in sixth grade.  I didn’t know how to tell my mother I was in a depression because of the last shitty five years of my life and I resented her for it.  I just took my punishment, swallowed all the pain and shut down.  I got good at swallowing pain and shutting down.  That’s when I found my new friend that would be there for me and help me meet other friends.  He took away all my pain and loneliness.  Made me feel like superman.  That friend was drugs and alcohol. It would be my only real friend, for the next few years.  This is also when my second stepfather came into my life.  His name is Larry Borsetti.  He was an old fashioned Italian guy.  He liked cooking, singing and listening to oldies.  One of the nicest guys on the planet.  If he was my dad from the beginning, I would have been a different kid.  But, he wasn’t.  He came into my life a couple of years too late.  You see, I had been alone for too long and now I had a new buddy that made me feel great. I'm working on the rest of this story now. It will be finished in the next couple of days.