I was going to talk about some fights I have had in my life. Let me just say by no means am I a tough guy. I have gotten my ass kick plenty of times almost near death a couple times. Fighting sucks no matter how you try and spin it. I have felt bad when I got my ass kick and I have felt worse when I kick some ass. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason why someone fights is because there scared. Now I’m not talking about professional fighters like boxers, UFC and K1 those guys really know how to kick ass. I’m talking about the average street fight. The only time I ever fought was because I was afraid of what might happen to me. And I also had a lot of rage from my second step farther who slapped me around on me regularly, but that is for another blog post.
There are a bunch of fights that I could talk about. There is the one were I got my ass beat almost to death. There are the ones were I knocked the mother fucker out. And there a bunch other little ones in the middle. I want to talk about the one were I shit my pants. It was a summer night I was hanging with all my friends from the park. All my friends were older than me and real tough kids. Needless to say they got me into most of my fights. I was drunk of course and we decided to go over to Somerville. Somerville was the next town over from Medford where I lived. And we hated each other. There was this church that we just happen to walk by and there was a bunch of kids hanging out side the parking lot. I guess they had some type of late night communion class or some horse shit. So me and my drunken friends decided to go over and cause some trouble. I was shit faced and I had to take one of the biggest dumps of my life. I had been holding this shit cake in my ass for like two hours but I was so drunk I kept forgetting about it. And then all of a sudden I could feel the dog start to wag his tail and I would have to stand still for like five minutes until the muscles in my ass could take back over and fight this wall of shit. At this point I had full control over my ass. I was walking around the parking lot looking to start some trouble. And that’s when I saw her. She was blonde blue eyed and fucking gorgeous and she was looking right back at me. Dam I don’t think there is a better feeling in the world than looking across at a girl who is looking right back at you with that same look your giving her. The look of I want you to bitch. So I called her over. I got right up close to her and started asking her what her name was, and where she was from and I ws telling her how beautiful I thought she was. I totally forgot about this meat loaf that was dying to exit my body. This chick was into me and I was into her. It was going great just then this kid about my age steps in between me and my new girlfriend. He had a real mean look on his face and told me – this is my cousin so why you just take off and stop bugger her. I have to tell you I was scared. This kid looked pretty tough and he was pissed at me for trying to make moves on his cousin. Once he saw that I didn’t say anything back to him he started getting more confident and his voice was getting more enraged with me. Fucking get the fuck out of here asshole he said to me. The girl was telling him to stop, telling him we were just talking, but he wouldn’t have any of it. So I did what I had to do. I sucker punched him. There are two things you need to do if you’re ever going to use the sucker punch. First you need to be a pretty good actor. They have to think you are scared or just a nice guy and there is no way you want anything to do with them. And second you need to knock them out or at least hurt them bad. Let me tell you there is nothing worst than sucker punching some guy and him looking back at you with a smile. Cause now you really pissed him off. But that didn’t happen in this case. I leaned back and told him – hey man I don’t want to fight you and before the word fight got out of my mouth I hit this kid with everything I had. One punch and he went down to his knees. It was great the sucker punch worked. Now I just had to keep hitting him until he gave up, but I couldn’t. My friends were yelling at me hit him hit him but I couldn’t I could just sit there and not move. It wasn’t out of fear or that I felt bad. It was because my asshole muscle had just said FUCK IT and took the night off. You see I had been using every ounce of energy to keep my asshole shut so I didn’t shit my pants. But in all the confusion of meeting this girl, her fuck faced cousin fucking with me I had forgot about the chili brewing in my ass. And when I haled off to give the sucker punch I took all that energy away from my ass muscle and put it into the punch. Now I’m standing over this kid looking like a real badass with a nice hot dump in my pants. All of sudden one of the priest comes out and everyone just ran. I was walking the streets with a big dumb in my pants and I was pissed. That’s when a truck pulled up to me and it was my friends they told me to get in so I did. They were going off about the punch I had just thrown for around 30 seconds everyone was going nuts about me, and then it hit them. One of my friends cried out – what the fuck is that smell and then everyone in the truck started going off. I just told them I shit my pants. Cut to tires screeching and me being kick out of the car like I was some twenty dollar whore. I took off down the street and ran into these bushes in front of this house. I was standing right under someone’s window cleaning my ass with my sock. I could even hear the TV and them laughing in side the house. Not knowing some kid was cleaning his ass right out side there window. It was a mess. I couldn’t get it all of the shit cleaned up, but I got most of it. But I still smell like a baby who messed his Diaper. I was so mad at this point. This kid really fucked up my high. The girl was gone my friends were gone my underwear was gone and I had one sock. So I went to finish what I had started. I was going to really beat the shit out of this kid. I grabbed a picket from this fence and was on my way back to that church. As I got to the corner I saw the kid walking away probable going home. I called out to him but he wouldn’t turn around. I had given him a pretty good punch so the tides had change a little. He was probable afraid of me now. I kept yelling come on you pussy fight me fight me fagot. That was always a good word to use if you wanted to get someone to fight you. I kept calling him back using every word in the book. And then it happen he just turned around and said fuck it. I have to say that kind of scared me. Now he had the power. He was pissed. But I just charged him and I had a stick in my hand. As soon as we met I just started slamming away on his head. Just then I heard tires screech. I thought it was the cops so we both kind of stop for a second just to see who it was. It was the priest. He walked over to us and told us to knock it off and then gave us some speech about people and life and god. It was just like a church of latter day saints commercial. We just shook and said sorry as the priest had his hand on both of our shoulders. You can’t fuck with a priest I don’t care who you are if a priest gets involved fight over. A priest has the same powers as your mother. May be that’s why it’s so easy for them to get little boy ass. As we were about to leave with the spirit of Jesus in our harts the priest says what the hell is that smell, I think one of you boys step in some dog shit. We all checked out feet and walked away. Now I know that may sound like a movie ending but the priest really did say that.
I will be away for most of next month. So I don’t know when I will be able to write in hear gain. But I will try. Thanks for reading all eight of you
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
THE FARM
I was living in upstate New York Spencer port I think was the name of the town. At the time I was working on a farm five days a week. The state had got me that job because I was a ward or the state of Massachusetts. That means they own your ass. You do anything wrong instead of going back to court you just go strait to jail until they can figure out what to do with you. So the state of New York’s juvy system got me this job to keep me out of trouble. I got paid a hundred bucks a week to shovel shit, mow lawns, and weed corn fields by hand. I would have to wake up at six in the morning five days a week and pedal my bike two miles in the country up this big hill to this public farm. My boss was a little beefy bull dyke. She had really short brown hair and always wore overalls. Even though she could be a hard ass I liked her. The other boss was a real true red neck. He had the whole Adam’s apple, dirty john dear hat and everything. They also had this old man who worked there I don’t know what he did because I never seen him work, but he was a cool old guy. He would always tell me – you’re from Boston if you catch that rooster I will get you a lobster dinner Boston boy. One day I tried to catch that rooster. I chased him all around for like twenty minutes. He ran right through the cow yard through all the cows. I ran right after him not knowing that he was weightless over cow shit and I wasn’t. I sunk into two feet of cow shit and piss and got stuck. As the rooster peck around me and the cows mooed in my face. The old man had to come and dig me out of the shit. He said it again if you catch him I will get you a lobster dinner. I said fuck lobster and fuck that rooster I have cow shit in my shoe, and just walked away.
There was also this retarded kid that work there. My fist day there I walk out side at lunch and there was this retarded kid out by the barn holding this cat and just giggling. Now you might say that would be funny enough but as I got closer the cat looked like it was either dead or on ecstasy. I walked closer to him and I could not believe what I was seeing. He had his finger in the cat’s pussy. I freaked out. Now that wouldn’t even affect me now, it might even pump some blood to mule who knows. But then I hadn’t even had a finger near my ass never mind watching some retarded kid finger fuck a cat in the middle of the afternoon. I ran in and told my new boss what the fuck was happening. She came out and very calmly told him to stop doing that to the cat. He looked so mad. Not the retard the cat. The cat was like hey bitch stop cock blocking me you dyke. The kid just plucked his finger from the cat’s pussy and put it down on the ground. The cat wouldn’t leave him alone he just kept circling around the retarded kid’s feet making that freaking cat noise. You know that that noise they make when you rub there belly’s. I guess the make the same noise when you stick your finger in there twats.
My first day I showed up in real tight jordash jeans and mirrored cops shades. I looked like John Travolta on a farm. I had no Idea what I was in for. There was this other rich kid who I had to work with. I don’t know why the fuck he was there but I hated this kids guts. He was skinny and had perfect blonde hair. And talk like he was from Connecticut. He was the snob kid in every B movie. You know the type of kid that would pretend to be your friend and then get you arrested for a crime he committed. And wile you were in jail serving his time he would rape your girlfriend. You know that kind of asshole. I would beat the shit out of him everyday and threaten his life and he would give in and say sorry. Then as soon as I would let him up he would run away calling my mother a smelly whore. One time me and this asshole were working down at the pound. There was this duck that had gotten hurt from a snapping turtle. The big red neck guy came down and said he had to kill the duck. So this fucking looser kid was like I want to do it please let me. The red neck said you have to chop its head off one in one cut so it doesn’t suffer. I wanted nothing to do with it. So this red neck took us up to his shop which was a scary place in its self and sharpened this hatchet. We walked back down to the pond. He gave this asshole instructions on how to do it and left. This fagot held the duck down and brought the axe over his head and started to come down. But somewhere in the middle he lost his nerve and stopped right at the ducks neck. But this looser didn’t stop in time he just sliced the ducks neck open. Then this fagot gets up and runs away saying – I cant do it I cant do it- So not only did this poor duck get its leg bitten off by a snapping turtle now it has a nice hatchet slice in its neck. Not wanting the poor duck to have to lie in the hot sun and bleed out like some hostage. I took the axe and in one swoop cut the ducks head clean off. And yes the body still goes nuts after its dead. I took the head and the body put it in the empty feed bag the red neck left for us and through it away.
There was a lot of crazy shit that happen to me there. These red necks loved to fuck with me. One time I was standing next to the electric fence and the guy told me to watch out because it was electric. And being the wise ass that I was said -how bad could it be-. He said its not that bad go ahead touch it. It kinda feels good. So I did and I hit the ground like I had just been shot. It felt like I broke my arm. The red neck thought that was real amusing. There was the other time were I was weeding the corn field by hand. Ya that’s right by fucking hand. That should be against the law. I would sit in one row of corn all fucking day just to know that there was another row of corn waiting for me the next day and the next and the next. I wanted to kill my self. So I saw the red neck pulling away on his trailer with a load of shit. And when I say shit I mean shit. Every morning we had to clean the stalls. Take the shit and piss out of the stall and put it in this big dumpster looking thing the spreader. Let me tell you something about shit. It’s fucking disgusting. I know some other comedians might argue the point thinking there is nothing wrong with a nice doo doo on your chest. But to me shit is shit. Goat shit is the worst I don’t know why. I would have thought pig shit would be the worst but its not. Oh ya side note pigs eat there own shit. Remember that next time you’re eating a nice pork chop. Next comes sheep shit. There piss and shit would combined to make the strongest ammonia smell. I would have to shovel for five minutes and then go out side to catch my breath. I literally almost pass out from this smell. So anyways I was weeding this corn field about to cut my wrist with a corn leaf when I saw the red neck going up the hill with the shit. I ran over to him and begged him to take me with him. He said- I’m going up to the back field to spread the shit. I didn’t care were he was going. He could have said I’m going to fuck some goats I would have helped him wipe up the load of the goats ass. I just didn’t want to weed corn anymore. And I always wanted to ride on a tractor. He said ok only if I stand behind the spreader and make sure the shit was coming out nice a slow. I said fine just take me with you, and we were off. It was like going from heaven to hell, ten seconds ago I was on my knees in the hot sun picking endless weeds, now I’m on the back of a tractor getting a ride. But it was weird to me why the red neck was being nice. He was always kinda a dick to me, why was he letting me go with him and get out of the hard prison labor work he love to see me do, something was up. So we make our way up this big ass hill and there is this clearing. He stops the tractor in the middle and tells me to get and go behind the spreader. That was the dumpster thing we had loaded the shit in every morning. I got off and went behind like he said and stood there and waited. Then he yelled out its going to come out slow just make sure it doesn’t get stuck. I said ok and told him to hit it. There was like ten seconds of silence and then it sound like some one put a tree branch in a wood chipper. The spreader didn’t shoot the shit out slow it was more like three hundred miles and hour. The whole front of my body was covered in every type of shit you could image Peacock shit, goat shit, pig shit, sheep shit, and chicken shit all over the front of me like a new suit. I just stood there frozen in shit wile he laugh harder than I have ever seen anyone laugh before. And I couldn’t blame him that was some funny shit. No pun intended. He got me real good, I was trying to get out of work and he made weeding corn fields seem like the best job on the farm. I just walked back to the corn fields and started weeding again.
My boss the bull dyke was cool, but one day she really got me good. I was out there weeding the corn fields but by this time the corn had grown a little. So wile you were on your knees weeding no one could see you. I thought that since no one could see me let me just take a nice nap. No one would know they would just think I was weeding away in being a good little worker bee. Not knowing that I was a lazy ass that could sleep all day and night only to eat and shit. So just lied down and took a nice nap only to wake up to a work boot tapping in front of my face. I looked up and saw this angry bull dyke in her blue overalls looking down on me. She grabbed me by my shirt and started pulling me over to the shed. I thought she was going to kick the shit out of me. She was bitching and yelling the whole time. You think you can waste my time here there is a lot of work to be done you son of a bitch. As we got into the shed I saw a push mower right next to a brand new gas mower. She grabbed the push mower and pull me over to the front lawn and said – you don’t want the corn field well you can mow the lawn. Now you would think that would be better than weeding the corn field, but it wasn’t. It was a fucking farm do you know how much grass there is on a farm, Fucking miles of it. I was there all day up and down up and down. She finally came out and gave me one of those boss speeches and told me to go home for the day. Bye the end of the summer I really like this job and the people in it. It was one of the things that made me feel normal again. I wasn’t drinking every night because I was so tired and smelled like shit when I got home it wasn’t worth it. I would just eat and go to bed. I had money in my pocket and a bank account. And it was the first time my mother and I were getting along. She knew I was working hard and not getting fucked up every night. Now don’t get me wrong I was still getting fucking loaded on weekends the only differences was that I had money now. I didn’t have to steal to get it. After the summer was over so was the job I forgot all about this part of my life I guess that’s why I’m writing about it now. It might not be that interesting but it was to me. Next time I think I will talk about some of the fights I have had in my life. So I hope you enjoy reading this.
There was also this retarded kid that work there. My fist day there I walk out side at lunch and there was this retarded kid out by the barn holding this cat and just giggling. Now you might say that would be funny enough but as I got closer the cat looked like it was either dead or on ecstasy. I walked closer to him and I could not believe what I was seeing. He had his finger in the cat’s pussy. I freaked out. Now that wouldn’t even affect me now, it might even pump some blood to mule who knows. But then I hadn’t even had a finger near my ass never mind watching some retarded kid finger fuck a cat in the middle of the afternoon. I ran in and told my new boss what the fuck was happening. She came out and very calmly told him to stop doing that to the cat. He looked so mad. Not the retard the cat. The cat was like hey bitch stop cock blocking me you dyke. The kid just plucked his finger from the cat’s pussy and put it down on the ground. The cat wouldn’t leave him alone he just kept circling around the retarded kid’s feet making that freaking cat noise. You know that that noise they make when you rub there belly’s. I guess the make the same noise when you stick your finger in there twats.
My first day I showed up in real tight jordash jeans and mirrored cops shades. I looked like John Travolta on a farm. I had no Idea what I was in for. There was this other rich kid who I had to work with. I don’t know why the fuck he was there but I hated this kids guts. He was skinny and had perfect blonde hair. And talk like he was from Connecticut. He was the snob kid in every B movie. You know the type of kid that would pretend to be your friend and then get you arrested for a crime he committed. And wile you were in jail serving his time he would rape your girlfriend. You know that kind of asshole. I would beat the shit out of him everyday and threaten his life and he would give in and say sorry. Then as soon as I would let him up he would run away calling my mother a smelly whore. One time me and this asshole were working down at the pound. There was this duck that had gotten hurt from a snapping turtle. The big red neck guy came down and said he had to kill the duck. So this fucking looser kid was like I want to do it please let me. The red neck said you have to chop its head off one in one cut so it doesn’t suffer. I wanted nothing to do with it. So this red neck took us up to his shop which was a scary place in its self and sharpened this hatchet. We walked back down to the pond. He gave this asshole instructions on how to do it and left. This fagot held the duck down and brought the axe over his head and started to come down. But somewhere in the middle he lost his nerve and stopped right at the ducks neck. But this looser didn’t stop in time he just sliced the ducks neck open. Then this fagot gets up and runs away saying – I cant do it I cant do it- So not only did this poor duck get its leg bitten off by a snapping turtle now it has a nice hatchet slice in its neck. Not wanting the poor duck to have to lie in the hot sun and bleed out like some hostage. I took the axe and in one swoop cut the ducks head clean off. And yes the body still goes nuts after its dead. I took the head and the body put it in the empty feed bag the red neck left for us and through it away.
There was a lot of crazy shit that happen to me there. These red necks loved to fuck with me. One time I was standing next to the electric fence and the guy told me to watch out because it was electric. And being the wise ass that I was said -how bad could it be-. He said its not that bad go ahead touch it. It kinda feels good. So I did and I hit the ground like I had just been shot. It felt like I broke my arm. The red neck thought that was real amusing. There was the other time were I was weeding the corn field by hand. Ya that’s right by fucking hand. That should be against the law. I would sit in one row of corn all fucking day just to know that there was another row of corn waiting for me the next day and the next and the next. I wanted to kill my self. So I saw the red neck pulling away on his trailer with a load of shit. And when I say shit I mean shit. Every morning we had to clean the stalls. Take the shit and piss out of the stall and put it in this big dumpster looking thing the spreader. Let me tell you something about shit. It’s fucking disgusting. I know some other comedians might argue the point thinking there is nothing wrong with a nice doo doo on your chest. But to me shit is shit. Goat shit is the worst I don’t know why. I would have thought pig shit would be the worst but its not. Oh ya side note pigs eat there own shit. Remember that next time you’re eating a nice pork chop. Next comes sheep shit. There piss and shit would combined to make the strongest ammonia smell. I would have to shovel for five minutes and then go out side to catch my breath. I literally almost pass out from this smell. So anyways I was weeding this corn field about to cut my wrist with a corn leaf when I saw the red neck going up the hill with the shit. I ran over to him and begged him to take me with him. He said- I’m going up to the back field to spread the shit. I didn’t care were he was going. He could have said I’m going to fuck some goats I would have helped him wipe up the load of the goats ass. I just didn’t want to weed corn anymore. And I always wanted to ride on a tractor. He said ok only if I stand behind the spreader and make sure the shit was coming out nice a slow. I said fine just take me with you, and we were off. It was like going from heaven to hell, ten seconds ago I was on my knees in the hot sun picking endless weeds, now I’m on the back of a tractor getting a ride. But it was weird to me why the red neck was being nice. He was always kinda a dick to me, why was he letting me go with him and get out of the hard prison labor work he love to see me do, something was up. So we make our way up this big ass hill and there is this clearing. He stops the tractor in the middle and tells me to get and go behind the spreader. That was the dumpster thing we had loaded the shit in every morning. I got off and went behind like he said and stood there and waited. Then he yelled out its going to come out slow just make sure it doesn’t get stuck. I said ok and told him to hit it. There was like ten seconds of silence and then it sound like some one put a tree branch in a wood chipper. The spreader didn’t shoot the shit out slow it was more like three hundred miles and hour. The whole front of my body was covered in every type of shit you could image Peacock shit, goat shit, pig shit, sheep shit, and chicken shit all over the front of me like a new suit. I just stood there frozen in shit wile he laugh harder than I have ever seen anyone laugh before. And I couldn’t blame him that was some funny shit. No pun intended. He got me real good, I was trying to get out of work and he made weeding corn fields seem like the best job on the farm. I just walked back to the corn fields and started weeding again.
My boss the bull dyke was cool, but one day she really got me good. I was out there weeding the corn fields but by this time the corn had grown a little. So wile you were on your knees weeding no one could see you. I thought that since no one could see me let me just take a nice nap. No one would know they would just think I was weeding away in being a good little worker bee. Not knowing that I was a lazy ass that could sleep all day and night only to eat and shit. So just lied down and took a nice nap only to wake up to a work boot tapping in front of my face. I looked up and saw this angry bull dyke in her blue overalls looking down on me. She grabbed me by my shirt and started pulling me over to the shed. I thought she was going to kick the shit out of me. She was bitching and yelling the whole time. You think you can waste my time here there is a lot of work to be done you son of a bitch. As we got into the shed I saw a push mower right next to a brand new gas mower. She grabbed the push mower and pull me over to the front lawn and said – you don’t want the corn field well you can mow the lawn. Now you would think that would be better than weeding the corn field, but it wasn’t. It was a fucking farm do you know how much grass there is on a farm, Fucking miles of it. I was there all day up and down up and down. She finally came out and gave me one of those boss speeches and told me to go home for the day. Bye the end of the summer I really like this job and the people in it. It was one of the things that made me feel normal again. I wasn’t drinking every night because I was so tired and smelled like shit when I got home it wasn’t worth it. I would just eat and go to bed. I had money in my pocket and a bank account. And it was the first time my mother and I were getting along. She knew I was working hard and not getting fucked up every night. Now don’t get me wrong I was still getting fucking loaded on weekends the only differences was that I had money now. I didn’t have to steal to get it. After the summer was over so was the job I forgot all about this part of my life I guess that’s why I’m writing about it now. It might not be that interesting but it was to me. Next time I think I will talk about some of the fights I have had in my life. So I hope you enjoy reading this.
Monday, June 21, 2004
NOT THAT FUNNY BUT TRUE
I thought I would talk about some of the times I got arrested. I get a lot of shit about why I was in juvy hall. I forget a lot of it myself but I will try to remember a couple of story’s for you now.
The very first time I got arrested I was in sixth grade. I was sleeping in my room when a couple of my buddy’s knock on my window. It had to be around 9 o’clock at night and they had Toni Quint with them. Toni was my first girlfriend and my first lay. She was also the first whore to fuck my best friend. They ask me to come hang out. I snuck out of my house and went with them. We just walked around all night smoking butts and try to get Toni to touch my pud. We came across a lunch truck. You know those trucks that pull up to a construction site and sells shity food and coffee. Well they also sell cigarettes. So we decided to steal all the butts from the truck. We got like ten cartons. We went down to the river Mystic river- ya the one from the movie- That’s were we hung out and that’s also the place I first put my ding ding in Toni’s stink wrinkle. I don’t know how it happens but a few weeks later I got called down to the police station. Not only did this bitch fuck my best friend she also ratted me out to the cops. And girls wonder why I have issues with commitment. Go talk to that cheating lying whore Toni. Any who I denied everything so they couldn’t really put me away. I was also in the sixth grade I was to young to be put in juvy. But now I was on the cop’s hit list.
Cut to a couple of years later. I was around thirteen and drinking every day and using any drug that was put in front of me. This one day I split a case of bud with my best friend Frankie. We started around two in the after noon and wound up at a pizza place around eight at night. The place was called Depasquallys. It was a cool little joint. Upstairs was a pizza place and down stairs was a cool little Italian restaurant. We never went down stairs it was kind of scary down there. I was sitting in the booth with this big nosed Italian girl who was in my history class. We never really got along in school. But I really wanted to bang her. I remember she had the nicest ass. She would wear those chic jeans with no back pockets. Dam what ever happen to chick jeans. If she cut a fart in those jeans her ankles would have blown up. Anyways she was sitting with me and I was try to get her to go out with me, I had know idea were Frankie went. All of a sudden he comes out of the kitchen goes up to the cash register and starts hitting buttons. I guess He went into the kitchen and told the chef who he had beat the shit out of the week before that he wanted to rob the place and they should tell the cops that two black kids did it, and if he refused he was going to beat the shit out of him again so they agreed. Frankie didn’t know how to open the register so he asked me to help. I was trying to get Josephine to calm down holding her hand telling her it’s going to be ok. So I got up and went over and hit one button and it opened. I grab the cash and ran out the door. As we were running I was still really drunk and I tripped on the curb went flying in the air and landed on my right pinky finger. It was pushed all the way back and the money went flying everywhere. Frankie didn’t help me he just started picking up the money and tell me to get up. We got back to frank’s house and I was just looking at my fucked up pinky finger that was mushed across my hand. I kept telling him I had to go to the hospital. He kept saying dude I can fix it just come over here. I may be dumb but I’m not that dumb. So I just ran out of his house and on to the streets. I went to the pay phone and dialed the operator and told her I needed help she hung up on me that twat. I saw a bunch of adults standing out in front of there house. I just went up to them and hit the ground and starting yelling, screaming and showing my fucked up looking hand. It looked worse than it felt but they didn’t know that. I just needed to get to the hospital, and it worked.
Two weeks later I was hanging with Frankie in his apartment when the cops just walked right in and said are you Frankie Palacastro. He said yes and they took him. They didn’t even look at me.
I found out when Frankie was bailed out of jail that he was arrested for robbing that pizza place. He didn’t tell them anything about me nor did they ask. So I thought I was ok. One night a week later me and Frankie were drinking. It was a hot summer night I had a Fifth of peppermint SCHNAPPS and a rack of tall buds. We were over Frankie’s girlfriend’s house. He was in her room and I was on the couch with This hot chick Beverly. She told me she gets real horny when she smokes pot and asked me if I had any. I said no but I will go get some. I got up and started to leave to go get some pot so I could get some pussy. She told me to hurry because she had to go home soon. I told her I would be right back like in ten minutes. Not knowing that would be the last time I would ever see her. I told Frankie what I was doing so he would come with me.
Now you have to know earlier that night I was at the park waiting for Frankie to meet me when a cop car drove up and asked me my name. I told him and he said that there was a warrant for my arrest some were and he was going back to the station to find it. He also said if he arrests me tonight it would be the best thing for me. Come to find out the pizza store that I had ripped off was owned by the mob and they were looking for me too. The cop said if I didn’t want to get arrested tonight stay off the streets and he pulled off.
Ok now back to me going to get pot for pussy. Frankie and I stopped at the liquor store to get some more booze. He was inside I was standing out side fucked up just thinking about going back to that girl with some pot. Just then I saw this cop car pull up and my mothers head was sticking out of the back window. It was like the movies everything went into slow motion, or it just could have been all the booze I had in my system. She just waved me in to the car. It was like I was in a trance. I just walked over to the car and got in the back seat. Frankie was running after me calling my name and pounding on the window telling me to get out of the car. We get to the station and they finger print me and take all those dumb photos and put me in a cell. I was so fucked up and that little bitty cell wasn’t helping me at all. The room was spinning and it was only an eight by six room, so it was spinning extra fast. I sat there all night and went to juvy court the next day. Where I sat in another cell from eight in the morning till four in the after noon. They set court date for me and then put me in a van and shipped me to one of the worst place I have ever been in my life. It was called the Charlestown Y. But before they send me there they shipped me all the way out to the county to this insane asylum that they took over to put kids for the day until they found a shittier place to put them for the night. This place was fucking freaky. You walk in and some guy takes you into this room and does a strip search. You have to take all of your clothes off and do jumping jacks and bend over in front of this guy. It had been like two weeks since I ripped off this place. What did he think I still had the money in my ass like a bank? After that they put you in this room with a bunch of other scary looking kids. This room was fucking creepy. There was on TV playing those shitty old Hanna Barbara cartoons. Then they bring this box of subs with chips in the room. Everyone got up like they had done this a hundred times. They all stared tearing the plastic rap off there subs and all at once they grab the wet slimy onions off the sub and hucked them to the ceiling. The onions just stuck to the ceiling. I looked up and this must have been going on for several years. The whole ceiling was covered with these fucked up onions. A couple of hours later they started calling out names and kids were being hand cuffed and shackled. I ask one of the kids what was going on. He said you’re going to your new home. He told me to ask were they were putting me. And if they hand cuff you first before they tell, you were going to a bad place. Then I hear my name. Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly. So I walk over to them and sat down. The first thing out of my mouth was wear am I going. He wouldn’t answer me. I asked again hey do you know were I’m going? He just put the cuffs on me and then said you’re going to Charlestown Y. So I knew I was fucked. The first couple of floors were a real YMCA the top floor was a detention center for youths. We finally got there it had to be like nine o’clock at night. We walked through the gym to this old elevator and up to the top floor. Again they stripped search me and made me bend over and do the jumping jacks thing. So this is the second time I had to show my thirteen year old mushroom to some guy in one day. Then they made me take a shower with two other new guys that just got in. I was thirteen I had like two pubes. The other two kids were like sixteen they had regular man dicks and pubes. It was fucking embarrassing. Then they took us to a dark room wear everyone was watching TV. I just sat in the back and I was shaking in my boots. There were all kinds of kids there. black, Spanish, ok well that was it black and Spanish kids But they looked mean. There had just been some incident. I guess there was some fat white kid that was in there for molesting kids and one of the black kids stuck a pencil in his eye. That’s a great thing to hear the fist night I’m in jail. Some guy stuck his head in the room and said bed time gentlemen and everyone got up like they knew were they were going so I just followed. We wound up in this big room with a bunch of metal bunk beds in it. I had to find one that was empty. I climbed up to the top bunk and just stared out the window trying not to cry even though I wanted to just start balling. But I didn’t want to show any weakness. At this point I was still sucking my fingers and picking my nose. I know most kids suck there thumb but not me. I would suck my two middle fingers and pick my nose with my pinky finger. And then I would role the booger around on my upper lip. And that’s all I could think of. That I would fall asleep and start picking my nose and sucking my finger. I kept telling myself don’t do it they will stick you in the eye with a pencil or they will make fun of you. I didn’t want to show any weakness at all. So needless to say that was the last time I ever sucked my fingers and picked my nose. Well that was my fist night but not the last time I would go through it. I would be in and out of jail all over the eastern coast for the next three years. There are a lot of little things I left out but this is a blog not a book.
The very first time I got arrested I was in sixth grade. I was sleeping in my room when a couple of my buddy’s knock on my window. It had to be around 9 o’clock at night and they had Toni Quint with them. Toni was my first girlfriend and my first lay. She was also the first whore to fuck my best friend. They ask me to come hang out. I snuck out of my house and went with them. We just walked around all night smoking butts and try to get Toni to touch my pud. We came across a lunch truck. You know those trucks that pull up to a construction site and sells shity food and coffee. Well they also sell cigarettes. So we decided to steal all the butts from the truck. We got like ten cartons. We went down to the river Mystic river- ya the one from the movie- That’s were we hung out and that’s also the place I first put my ding ding in Toni’s stink wrinkle. I don’t know how it happens but a few weeks later I got called down to the police station. Not only did this bitch fuck my best friend she also ratted me out to the cops. And girls wonder why I have issues with commitment. Go talk to that cheating lying whore Toni. Any who I denied everything so they couldn’t really put me away. I was also in the sixth grade I was to young to be put in juvy. But now I was on the cop’s hit list.
Cut to a couple of years later. I was around thirteen and drinking every day and using any drug that was put in front of me. This one day I split a case of bud with my best friend Frankie. We started around two in the after noon and wound up at a pizza place around eight at night. The place was called Depasquallys. It was a cool little joint. Upstairs was a pizza place and down stairs was a cool little Italian restaurant. We never went down stairs it was kind of scary down there. I was sitting in the booth with this big nosed Italian girl who was in my history class. We never really got along in school. But I really wanted to bang her. I remember she had the nicest ass. She would wear those chic jeans with no back pockets. Dam what ever happen to chick jeans. If she cut a fart in those jeans her ankles would have blown up. Anyways she was sitting with me and I was try to get her to go out with me, I had know idea were Frankie went. All of a sudden he comes out of the kitchen goes up to the cash register and starts hitting buttons. I guess He went into the kitchen and told the chef who he had beat the shit out of the week before that he wanted to rob the place and they should tell the cops that two black kids did it, and if he refused he was going to beat the shit out of him again so they agreed. Frankie didn’t know how to open the register so he asked me to help. I was trying to get Josephine to calm down holding her hand telling her it’s going to be ok. So I got up and went over and hit one button and it opened. I grab the cash and ran out the door. As we were running I was still really drunk and I tripped on the curb went flying in the air and landed on my right pinky finger. It was pushed all the way back and the money went flying everywhere. Frankie didn’t help me he just started picking up the money and tell me to get up. We got back to frank’s house and I was just looking at my fucked up pinky finger that was mushed across my hand. I kept telling him I had to go to the hospital. He kept saying dude I can fix it just come over here. I may be dumb but I’m not that dumb. So I just ran out of his house and on to the streets. I went to the pay phone and dialed the operator and told her I needed help she hung up on me that twat. I saw a bunch of adults standing out in front of there house. I just went up to them and hit the ground and starting yelling, screaming and showing my fucked up looking hand. It looked worse than it felt but they didn’t know that. I just needed to get to the hospital, and it worked.
Two weeks later I was hanging with Frankie in his apartment when the cops just walked right in and said are you Frankie Palacastro. He said yes and they took him. They didn’t even look at me.
I found out when Frankie was bailed out of jail that he was arrested for robbing that pizza place. He didn’t tell them anything about me nor did they ask. So I thought I was ok. One night a week later me and Frankie were drinking. It was a hot summer night I had a Fifth of peppermint SCHNAPPS and a rack of tall buds. We were over Frankie’s girlfriend’s house. He was in her room and I was on the couch with This hot chick Beverly. She told me she gets real horny when she smokes pot and asked me if I had any. I said no but I will go get some. I got up and started to leave to go get some pot so I could get some pussy. She told me to hurry because she had to go home soon. I told her I would be right back like in ten minutes. Not knowing that would be the last time I would ever see her. I told Frankie what I was doing so he would come with me.
Now you have to know earlier that night I was at the park waiting for Frankie to meet me when a cop car drove up and asked me my name. I told him and he said that there was a warrant for my arrest some were and he was going back to the station to find it. He also said if he arrests me tonight it would be the best thing for me. Come to find out the pizza store that I had ripped off was owned by the mob and they were looking for me too. The cop said if I didn’t want to get arrested tonight stay off the streets and he pulled off.
Ok now back to me going to get pot for pussy. Frankie and I stopped at the liquor store to get some more booze. He was inside I was standing out side fucked up just thinking about going back to that girl with some pot. Just then I saw this cop car pull up and my mothers head was sticking out of the back window. It was like the movies everything went into slow motion, or it just could have been all the booze I had in my system. She just waved me in to the car. It was like I was in a trance. I just walked over to the car and got in the back seat. Frankie was running after me calling my name and pounding on the window telling me to get out of the car. We get to the station and they finger print me and take all those dumb photos and put me in a cell. I was so fucked up and that little bitty cell wasn’t helping me at all. The room was spinning and it was only an eight by six room, so it was spinning extra fast. I sat there all night and went to juvy court the next day. Where I sat in another cell from eight in the morning till four in the after noon. They set court date for me and then put me in a van and shipped me to one of the worst place I have ever been in my life. It was called the Charlestown Y. But before they send me there they shipped me all the way out to the county to this insane asylum that they took over to put kids for the day until they found a shittier place to put them for the night. This place was fucking freaky. You walk in and some guy takes you into this room and does a strip search. You have to take all of your clothes off and do jumping jacks and bend over in front of this guy. It had been like two weeks since I ripped off this place. What did he think I still had the money in my ass like a bank? After that they put you in this room with a bunch of other scary looking kids. This room was fucking creepy. There was on TV playing those shitty old Hanna Barbara cartoons. Then they bring this box of subs with chips in the room. Everyone got up like they had done this a hundred times. They all stared tearing the plastic rap off there subs and all at once they grab the wet slimy onions off the sub and hucked them to the ceiling. The onions just stuck to the ceiling. I looked up and this must have been going on for several years. The whole ceiling was covered with these fucked up onions. A couple of hours later they started calling out names and kids were being hand cuffed and shackled. I ask one of the kids what was going on. He said you’re going to your new home. He told me to ask were they were putting me. And if they hand cuff you first before they tell, you were going to a bad place. Then I hear my name. Robert Kelly, Robert Kelly. So I walk over to them and sat down. The first thing out of my mouth was wear am I going. He wouldn’t answer me. I asked again hey do you know were I’m going? He just put the cuffs on me and then said you’re going to Charlestown Y. So I knew I was fucked. The first couple of floors were a real YMCA the top floor was a detention center for youths. We finally got there it had to be like nine o’clock at night. We walked through the gym to this old elevator and up to the top floor. Again they stripped search me and made me bend over and do the jumping jacks thing. So this is the second time I had to show my thirteen year old mushroom to some guy in one day. Then they made me take a shower with two other new guys that just got in. I was thirteen I had like two pubes. The other two kids were like sixteen they had regular man dicks and pubes. It was fucking embarrassing. Then they took us to a dark room wear everyone was watching TV. I just sat in the back and I was shaking in my boots. There were all kinds of kids there. black, Spanish, ok well that was it black and Spanish kids But they looked mean. There had just been some incident. I guess there was some fat white kid that was in there for molesting kids and one of the black kids stuck a pencil in his eye. That’s a great thing to hear the fist night I’m in jail. Some guy stuck his head in the room and said bed time gentlemen and everyone got up like they knew were they were going so I just followed. We wound up in this big room with a bunch of metal bunk beds in it. I had to find one that was empty. I climbed up to the top bunk and just stared out the window trying not to cry even though I wanted to just start balling. But I didn’t want to show any weakness. At this point I was still sucking my fingers and picking my nose. I know most kids suck there thumb but not me. I would suck my two middle fingers and pick my nose with my pinky finger. And then I would role the booger around on my upper lip. And that’s all I could think of. That I would fall asleep and start picking my nose and sucking my finger. I kept telling myself don’t do it they will stick you in the eye with a pencil or they will make fun of you. I didn’t want to show any weakness at all. So needless to say that was the last time I ever sucked my fingers and picked my nose. Well that was my fist night but not the last time I would go through it. I would be in and out of jail all over the eastern coast for the next three years. There are a lot of little things I left out but this is a blog not a book.
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