THE FARM

I was living in upstate New York Spencer port I think was the name of the town. At the time I was working on a farm five days a week. The state had got me that job because I was a ward or the state of Massachusetts. That means they own your ass. You do anything wrong instead of going back to court you just go strait to jail until they can figure out what to do with you. So the state of New York’s juvy system got me this job to keep me out of trouble. I got paid a hundred bucks a week to shovel shit, mow lawns, and weed corn fields by hand. I would have to wake up at six in the morning five days a week and pedal my bike two miles in the country up this big hill to this public farm. My boss was a little beefy bull dyke. She had really short brown hair and always wore overalls. Even though she could be a hard ass I liked her. The other boss was a real true red neck. He had the whole Adam’s apple, dirty john dear hat and everything. They also had this old man who worked there I don’t know what he did because I never seen him work, but he was a cool old guy. He would always tell me – you’re from Boston if you catch that rooster I will get you a lobster dinner Boston boy. One day I tried to catch that rooster. I chased him all around for like twenty minutes. He ran right through the cow yard through all the cows. I ran right after him not knowing that he was weightless over cow shit and I wasn’t. I sunk into two feet of cow shit and piss and got stuck. As the rooster peck around me and the cows mooed in my face. The old man had to come and dig me out of the shit. He said it again if you catch him I will get you a lobster dinner. I said fuck lobster and fuck that rooster I have cow shit in my shoe, and just walked away.

There was also this retarded kid that work there. My fist day there I walk out side at lunch and there was this retarded kid out by the barn holding this cat and just giggling. Now you might say that would be funny enough but as I got closer the cat looked like it was either dead or on ecstasy. I walked closer to him and I could not believe what I was seeing. He had his finger in the cat’s pussy. I freaked out. Now that wouldn’t even affect me now, it might even pump some blood to mule who knows. But then I hadn’t even had a finger near my ass never mind watching some retarded kid finger fuck a cat in the middle of the afternoon. I ran in and told my new boss what the fuck was happening. She came out and very calmly told him to stop doing that to the cat. He looked so mad. Not the retard the cat. The cat was like hey bitch stop cock blocking me you dyke. The kid just plucked his finger from the cat’s pussy and put it down on the ground. The cat wouldn’t leave him alone he just kept circling around the retarded kid’s feet making that freaking cat noise. You know that that noise they make when you rub there belly’s. I guess the make the same noise when you stick your finger in there twats.
My first day I showed up in real tight jordash jeans and mirrored cops shades. I looked like John Travolta on a farm. I had no Idea what I was in for. There was this other rich kid who I had to work with. I don’t know why the fuck he was there but I hated this kids guts. He was skinny and had perfect blonde hair. And talk like he was from Connecticut. He was the snob kid in every B movie. You know the type of kid that would pretend to be your friend and then get you arrested for a crime he committed. And wile you were in jail serving his time he would rape your girlfriend. You know that kind of asshole. I would beat the shit out of him everyday and threaten his life and he would give in and say sorry. Then as soon as I would let him up he would run away calling my mother a smelly whore. One time me and this asshole were working down at the pound. There was this duck that had gotten hurt from a snapping turtle. The big red neck guy came down and said he had to kill the duck. So this fucking looser kid was like I want to do it please let me. The red neck said you have to chop its head off one in one cut so it doesn’t suffer. I wanted nothing to do with it. So this red neck took us up to his shop which was a scary place in its self and sharpened this hatchet. We walked back down to the pond. He gave this asshole instructions on how to do it and left. This fagot held the duck down and brought the axe over his head and started to come down. But somewhere in the middle he lost his nerve and stopped right at the ducks neck. But this looser didn’t stop in time he just sliced the ducks neck open. Then this fagot gets up and runs away saying – I cant do it I cant do it- So not only did this poor duck get its leg bitten off by a snapping turtle now it has a nice hatchet slice in its neck. Not wanting the poor duck to have to lie in the hot sun and bleed out like some hostage. I took the axe and in one swoop cut the ducks head clean off. And yes the body still goes nuts after its dead. I took the head and the body put it in the empty feed bag the red neck left for us and through it away.
There was a lot of crazy shit that happen to me there. These red necks loved to fuck with me. One time I was standing next to the electric fence and the guy told me to watch out because it was electric. And being the wise ass that I was said -how bad could it be-. He said its not that bad go ahead touch it. It kinda feels good. So I did and I hit the ground like I had just been shot. It felt like I broke my arm. The red neck thought that was real amusing. There was the other time were I was weeding the corn field by hand. Ya that’s right by fucking hand. That should be against the law. I would sit in one row of corn all fucking day just to know that there was another row of corn waiting for me the next day and the next and the next. I wanted to kill my self. So I saw the red neck pulling away on his trailer with a load of shit. And when I say shit I mean shit. Every morning we had to clean the stalls. Take the shit and piss out of the stall and put it in this big dumpster looking thing the spreader. Let me tell you something about shit. It’s fucking disgusting. I know some other comedians might argue the point thinking there is nothing wrong with a nice doo doo on your chest. But to me shit is shit. Goat shit is the worst I don’t know why. I would have thought pig shit would be the worst but its not. Oh ya side note pigs eat there own shit. Remember that next time you’re eating a nice pork chop. Next comes sheep shit. There piss and shit would combined to make the strongest ammonia smell. I would have to shovel for five minutes and then go out side to catch my breath. I literally almost pass out from this smell. So anyways I was weeding this corn field about to cut my wrist with a corn leaf when I saw the red neck going up the hill with the shit. I ran over to him and begged him to take me with him. He said- I’m going up to the back field to spread the shit. I didn’t care were he was going. He could have said I’m going to fuck some goats I would have helped him wipe up the load of the goats ass. I just didn’t want to weed corn anymore. And I always wanted to ride on a tractor. He said ok only if I stand behind the spreader and make sure the shit was coming out nice a slow. I said fine just take me with you, and we were off. It was like going from heaven to hell, ten seconds ago I was on my knees in the hot sun picking endless weeds, now I’m on the back of a tractor getting a ride. But it was weird to me why the red neck was being nice. He was always kinda a dick to me, why was he letting me go with him and get out of the hard prison labor work he love to see me do, something was up. So we make our way up this big ass hill and there is this clearing. He stops the tractor in the middle and tells me to get and go behind the spreader. That was the dumpster thing we had loaded the shit in every morning. I got off and went behind like he said and stood there and waited. Then he yelled out its going to come out slow just make sure it doesn’t get stuck. I said ok and told him to hit it. There was like ten seconds of silence and then it sound like some one put a tree branch in a wood chipper. The spreader didn’t shoot the shit out slow it was more like three hundred miles and hour. The whole front of my body was covered in every type of shit you could image Peacock shit, goat shit, pig shit, sheep shit, and chicken shit all over the front of me like a new suit. I just stood there frozen in shit wile he laugh harder than I have ever seen anyone laugh before. And I couldn’t blame him that was some funny shit. No pun intended. He got me real good, I was trying to get out of work and he made weeding corn fields seem like the best job on the farm. I just walked back to the corn fields and started weeding again.

My boss the bull dyke was cool, but one day she really got me good. I was out there weeding the corn fields but by this time the corn had grown a little. So wile you were on your knees weeding no one could see you. I thought that since no one could see me let me just take a nice nap. No one would know they would just think I was weeding away in being a good little worker bee. Not knowing that I was a lazy ass that could sleep all day and night only to eat and shit. So just lied down and took a nice nap only to wake up to a work boot tapping in front of my face. I looked up and saw this angry bull dyke in her blue overalls looking down on me. She grabbed me by my shirt and started pulling me over to the shed. I thought she was going to kick the shit out of me. She was bitching and yelling the whole time. You think you can waste my time here there is a lot of work to be done you son of a bitch. As we got into the shed I saw a push mower right next to a brand new gas mower. She grabbed the push mower and pull me over to the front lawn and said – you don’t want the corn field well you can mow the lawn. Now you would think that would be better than weeding the corn field, but it wasn’t. It was a fucking farm do you know how much grass there is on a farm, Fucking miles of it. I was there all day up and down up and down. She finally came out and gave me one of those boss speeches and told me to go home for the day. Bye the end of the summer I really like this job and the people in it. It was one of the things that made me feel normal again. I wasn’t drinking every night because I was so tired and smelled like shit when I got home it wasn’t worth it. I would just eat and go to bed. I had money in my pocket and a bank account. And it was the first time my mother and I were getting along. She knew I was working hard and not getting fucked up every night. Now don’t get me wrong I was still getting fucking loaded on weekends the only differences was that I had money now. I didn’t have to steal to get it. After the summer was over so was the job I forgot all about this part of my life I guess that’s why I’m writing about it now. It might not be that interesting but it was to me. Next time I think I will talk about some of the fights I have had in my life. So I hope you enjoy reading this.