Monday, June 14, 2004
Im Dumb
I just wanted to talk about how dumb I am. By now if you have read anything I have written on my page you know I can¹t spell and my grammar is awful. But there is a reason behind this and I want to tell you what it is. I would like to say that I¹m very smart in some areas that most of you would be real fucking idiots in. So keep that in mind. I could come to your house or shitty apartment and make you feel like a shit head. You might be asking well what the hell is that. Well I¹m really good at electronics and computers and playing with my self. I don¹t even need cream. Ok back to the point of this entry. When I was a young little Robert I got into a little trouble. After my mother left my second farther I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I would hang out all night drink and drugs. I would get so trashed I almost died a couple of times. Now keep in mind I started drinking at the age of ten. So over the next few years my drinking and shit was getting worse. I stopped going to school. I started getting arrested and sent to juvenile hall. Now in jail they don¹t have the best school system. It¹s like an hour a day and then you go play ball. Witch was great for me cause I hated school so much. I hated the smell the old wood the floors the big great doors that lead inside that vortex of hell. I just wasn¹t a good student; I should tell you that I also suffer from dyslexia among other learning problems, so that doesn¹t help. Now when I finally got my shit together at the age of 15 after being in and out of jail, halfway houses, foster homes. I went back to regular school and was put into the rubber rooms. I would go to school at 8 and go to two classes and leave to go to work. I worked at a Styrofoam factory and a retarded guy was my boss. I would make Styrofoam balls for the rest of the day. I was just my happy boss and I. So the next year my special counselor faked some docs and some credits to get me in regular class. Now there I am in regular classes with regular kids who have been going to regular school their whole life. And silly old me who hasn¹t really been in school for four years. I faked my way through this shit I don¹t know how I did it but I got a real diploma and graduated with the regular kids. I even got a scholarship to college. Now that was kinds fixed to. My art teachers who loved me got that for me. I felt bad for all the other kids who wanted that scholarship. But the fix was in. So I went off to college for a fine arts degree. I was in college for two years before I started comedy and decided to quit school. I was two credits away from getting a degree in fine arts, can you guess what two classes I needed for my degree. That¹s right math and English. So that was the last schooling I had, and that was ten years ago. So I understand how you feel reading my awful spelling and grammar, but hopefully you understand there is a reason for it. I¹m not just dumb. I was a trouble youth. So when you¹re reading my emails or journals maybe you can think of me and the hard life I have had and feel a little better about your life.
MANNY KING OF THE TABLE
I'm reposting this from my old journal this man was one of my good friends and farther figures. And I want to be reminded of him every day.
Manny was the owner of the comedy cellar and a good friend. He was the type of guy who made you feel important if he liked you. At least that¹s they way he made me feel. He didn't even like me when he first met me. And its funny he was the one who told me that. Esti kept telling him Robert is a great comic. And he would say I just don¹t get it. But even though he didn¹t like my comedy at first. He liked me as a person. Later he started to watch me and started to like my comedy as well. The reason why I knew that was He told me. Kid you have gotten funny I never use to like you but now I do. When someone is that honest with you it makes the compliment mean so much more. Because you know he is not blowing smoke up your ass. He would sit at the table in the back and talk politics for hours with other comedians. I would never talk that shit with him. We would talk about the newest electronic gadget on the market. And he always had to have the latest thing, mainly to stick it in my face. I remember one time he was telling me about how good Tivo was. And I kept telling him I¹m going to get one as soon as I could afford one. So he asked me to come to his car that was parked in the garage by the cellar. He was like a little kid. As we got to his car he opened up the trunk and there was five Tivo's and a couple of DVD players. When he saw the look on my face of Fuuuuuuuckk. He laughed so hard knowing I couldn't afford one and he had five just sitting in his trunk. I ask him what he was going to do with five. He said I don¹t know maybe give them to people I liked. And then he shut the trunk in my face. He was one of the funniest people on the planet. He always made me smile when I showed up at the back table. He made the comedians feel like we were important. Not many club owners do that. They only do it to famous comics. And they treat the ones that aren¹t like shit. If Manny like you he made you feel like a star. He loved his famous comics don¹t get me wrong. If Ray Romano came by the club he would be the first to tell me to get the fuck up and let ray sit down. And then he would smile and get me a chair. I remember one time Ray was sitting there talking to Manny. So I walked up to ray and said, Hey what¹s up your sitting in my chair. Ray is such a nice guy he said oh I¹m sorry and started to get up. I told Ray I was just kidding and we had a little chuckle. I looked at Manny's face and turned beat red and screamed what the fuckkkkkk are you doing you jackass. He would get me every night I saw him. He would say something nice and then I knew it was followed by something real mean and funny. But he would be the fist to take one on the chin to. His laugh I will remember for the rest of my life. When he laughed I couldn¹t help but laugh with him. Always get shit for not working every club in the city. But I have to tell you Manny made me feel like the comedy cellar was my home. I always had a seat there with my name on it. And I love the people that work there. So I really didn¹t need to go anywhere else. I would always light up if I came in the cellar and Manny was sitting in the back talking some Arab about the Middle East. Those conversations would bore the hell out of me. I would always ad my two cents. Something to the effect of I like boobs. And he would get mad at me and tell me to shut up. And then would lean in and say I like Boobs to. Now I wish I could hear those boring conversations about the Middle East one last time. Manny was the man I hope to be when I get older. He was someone who did what they wanted to do in life. Manny was a man who lived many lives. Someone who had many dreams and reached them all. Someone who effected people and made them want to be near him and part his life. He was the king of the table. The man who held court. When he talks everyone listens. And if you don¹t he will tell you to shut the fuck up and then laugh. I don't know if the cellar will ever be the same with out him. We were Manny's comics. He took care of us. He made me want to be better as a person and as a comic. I don't think it will ever be the same down there at that back table. But He will always be there in my hart. I love you Manny. And thanks for being my friend.
He was My friend. I will always remember him
www.robertkellylive.com
Manny was the owner of the comedy cellar and a good friend. He was the type of guy who made you feel important if he liked you. At least that¹s they way he made me feel. He didn't even like me when he first met me. And its funny he was the one who told me that. Esti kept telling him Robert is a great comic. And he would say I just don¹t get it. But even though he didn¹t like my comedy at first. He liked me as a person. Later he started to watch me and started to like my comedy as well. The reason why I knew that was He told me. Kid you have gotten funny I never use to like you but now I do. When someone is that honest with you it makes the compliment mean so much more. Because you know he is not blowing smoke up your ass. He would sit at the table in the back and talk politics for hours with other comedians. I would never talk that shit with him. We would talk about the newest electronic gadget on the market. And he always had to have the latest thing, mainly to stick it in my face. I remember one time he was telling me about how good Tivo was. And I kept telling him I¹m going to get one as soon as I could afford one. So he asked me to come to his car that was parked in the garage by the cellar. He was like a little kid. As we got to his car he opened up the trunk and there was five Tivo's and a couple of DVD players. When he saw the look on my face of Fuuuuuuuckk. He laughed so hard knowing I couldn't afford one and he had five just sitting in his trunk. I ask him what he was going to do with five. He said I don¹t know maybe give them to people I liked. And then he shut the trunk in my face. He was one of the funniest people on the planet. He always made me smile when I showed up at the back table. He made the comedians feel like we were important. Not many club owners do that. They only do it to famous comics. And they treat the ones that aren¹t like shit. If Manny like you he made you feel like a star. He loved his famous comics don¹t get me wrong. If Ray Romano came by the club he would be the first to tell me to get the fuck up and let ray sit down. And then he would smile and get me a chair. I remember one time Ray was sitting there talking to Manny. So I walked up to ray and said, Hey what¹s up your sitting in my chair. Ray is such a nice guy he said oh I¹m sorry and started to get up. I told Ray I was just kidding and we had a little chuckle. I looked at Manny's face and turned beat red and screamed what the fuckkkkkk are you doing you jackass. He would get me every night I saw him. He would say something nice and then I knew it was followed by something real mean and funny. But he would be the fist to take one on the chin to. His laugh I will remember for the rest of my life. When he laughed I couldn¹t help but laugh with him. Always get shit for not working every club in the city. But I have to tell you Manny made me feel like the comedy cellar was my home. I always had a seat there with my name on it. And I love the people that work there. So I really didn¹t need to go anywhere else. I would always light up if I came in the cellar and Manny was sitting in the back talking some Arab about the Middle East. Those conversations would bore the hell out of me. I would always ad my two cents. Something to the effect of I like boobs. And he would get mad at me and tell me to shut up. And then would lean in and say I like Boobs to. Now I wish I could hear those boring conversations about the Middle East one last time. Manny was the man I hope to be when I get older. He was someone who did what they wanted to do in life. Manny was a man who lived many lives. Someone who had many dreams and reached them all. Someone who effected people and made them want to be near him and part his life. He was the king of the table. The man who held court. When he talks everyone listens. And if you don¹t he will tell you to shut the fuck up and then laugh. I don't know if the cellar will ever be the same with out him. We were Manny's comics. He took care of us. He made me want to be better as a person and as a comic. I don't think it will ever be the same down there at that back table. But He will always be there in my hart. I love you Manny. And thanks for being my friend.
He was My friend. I will always remember him
www.robertkellylive.com
The Troops
I got a call from Steve Byrn, or Steve Byrns as I like to call him. He ask me to do a show in up state New York for his brother Will. His brother is in the army and going over to Iraq this Friday. I guess his farther was putting on a dinner together for him and his fellow army buddy’s that are going over to that hell hole, and wanted to adds some entertainment. Steve’s farther is the whitest Irish guy I have ever met and his mother is very Korean. Later that night they both came to the party and did funnels. Steve’s parents are two of the coolest people I have ever met. The show was me Sherrod Smalls, Big J, Steve and I in the middle of know were.
We went to some dinner Saturday after noon and I ask for a veggie omelet. And one of the two teenage chubby girls who were working there said No you can’t have an omelet.
I said why and she replied I don’t know who to make one. Holly shit how do you work at a restaurant with omelets on the menu and not know how to make one. Then again how can you fat and not know how to make one. So I said let me make it, and she said go ahead. So I went behind the grill and made my own omelet. Oh ya eggs veggies and milk, whisk them together put on grill. For all you humps who don’t know how to make one.
We did the show and it was great. The guys were so fucking shit faced it was crazy. But fuck if I was going for a year to a war I would be booting some nice junk in my prick.
I was talk to one of the guys after the show and if fucking put some shit into prospective for me. He said that everyone hates us and we get fuck for doing what were doing. I said what do you mean? Well every one thinks were monster for doing what were doing. like we have a choice. If you’re looking at a pregnant women holding a grenade what do you do. Take a bunch of hot metal in your back maybe loose a leg, or kill her. I say kill her and aim for the baby. If you are giving anyone who is in our military shit for doing there job you should have your clit cut off or have one of your hands cut off. Or maybe behead you like those animals do to people who go against there government. Whether you are against the war or not you should treat the men and women fighting it with the utmost respect. Because if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t be America we would be taken over by maybe Germany, Japan, Russia and the list goes on. You would be able to have your right to be a fucking asshole. If you ever meet anyone in are armed forces you should thank them, buy them a beer give them a hug or a blow job something. The only reason some of these guys want to go over to Iraq because they get more money if they do. This isn’t about being for the war or against it. It’s about treating the mother fuckers who go over with the respect they deserve. Fuck you and your thoughts on Bush and the war. Treat them like kings, cuase they are just doing what they are told to do. And with out them we would just be another Canada. And who wants that.
Steve and his brother. Asians really do look alike.
www.robertkellylive.com
Steves Mom and Dad. All the boys gave him that award for putting this all together. They are two of the coolest parents I have ever met.
www.robertkellylive.com
How cool is Steves Mom. Doing funnels with the boys. You like You like
www.robertkellylive.com
We went to some dinner Saturday after noon and I ask for a veggie omelet. And one of the two teenage chubby girls who were working there said No you can’t have an omelet.
I said why and she replied I don’t know who to make one. Holly shit how do you work at a restaurant with omelets on the menu and not know how to make one. Then again how can you fat and not know how to make one. So I said let me make it, and she said go ahead. So I went behind the grill and made my own omelet. Oh ya eggs veggies and milk, whisk them together put on grill. For all you humps who don’t know how to make one.
We did the show and it was great. The guys were so fucking shit faced it was crazy. But fuck if I was going for a year to a war I would be booting some nice junk in my prick.
I was talk to one of the guys after the show and if fucking put some shit into prospective for me. He said that everyone hates us and we get fuck for doing what were doing. I said what do you mean? Well every one thinks were monster for doing what were doing. like we have a choice. If you’re looking at a pregnant women holding a grenade what do you do. Take a bunch of hot metal in your back maybe loose a leg, or kill her. I say kill her and aim for the baby. If you are giving anyone who is in our military shit for doing there job you should have your clit cut off or have one of your hands cut off. Or maybe behead you like those animals do to people who go against there government. Whether you are against the war or not you should treat the men and women fighting it with the utmost respect. Because if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t be America we would be taken over by maybe Germany, Japan, Russia and the list goes on. You would be able to have your right to be a fucking asshole. If you ever meet anyone in are armed forces you should thank them, buy them a beer give them a hug or a blow job something. The only reason some of these guys want to go over to Iraq because they get more money if they do. This isn’t about being for the war or against it. It’s about treating the mother fuckers who go over with the respect they deserve. Fuck you and your thoughts on Bush and the war. Treat them like kings, cuase they are just doing what they are told to do. And with out them we would just be another Canada. And who wants that.
Steve and his brother. Asians really do look alike.
www.robertkellylive.com
Steves Mom and Dad. All the boys gave him that award for putting this all together. They are two of the coolest parents I have ever met.
www.robertkellylive.com
How cool is Steves Mom. Doing funnels with the boys. You like You like
www.robertkellylive.com
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Vegas Baby
I just went to vegas last week. The show is beacher madhouse at the hard rock casino. It was me and norton. Norton in vegas is just like Norton in New York. Thats why I love him. He had on his over sized black tshirt to hide is over wieght allien body. And he was just a dirty ball. staring at womens asses like a fresh born cerial killer. we Had a great time. The show isnt really about comedy as it is madhouse. There are alot of things that go one before the comics and after the comics. Like a dance off. Karaoke competion, and then a sexy 7 foot tranny jugles some knifes and gets a standing O. And then your boys came out to tell some yuk yuks. Its not fun but it is worth it. The owner of the hard Rock Harry Morton and Jeff beacher really take care you me and all the other comics that go there. Not only money wise but they go out of there way to make you feel important. Jeff beacher is amazing He could sell pussy to Fags, He could take a cup of piss and tell you is was lemonaid. Or atlest thats what norton said happen. This show really is the best hell gig on the planet. I met Ice tea who was cool the first time I went up to him but then kinda got annoyed when I asked for a picture. Dont worry norton Im not going to put famouse people I have met in my act. Not yet atleast. I also met Chuck Zito, this guy is probabley one of the toughest humans I have ever met. He is the guy who knocked out Van Dam sittine down. It was funny Norton chuck and me had a late dinner and he told us all his storys like the Van Dam fight. Then when we were finally going to bed this drunk whore who norton was trying to talk to saw my chuck zito book. Yes I ran and bought it to get it sign. We are fans to ya know. I cant wait till chuck gets a blogger. Anywho. this bitch was trying to tell me and norton how chuck zito knocked out Van Dam across the street in vegas at some strip club. When chuck himself just got done telling us it was in New York at Scores. But you know norton he kept egging her on saying ya I heard that to but bob thinks it happen in New York. And she would keep yelling at me No No NO it happen right here. Not only does she suck dick for a living she is a dumb cunt to. Dam her farther had retared sperm and her mothers egg holes in it. This trip was a great time and Im glad I got to do it with little jimmy. Im going back this week again with steve byrn. It should be good. I'm just hopping I dont get booed off stage. Cause then this little fantacy land in the dersert will be gone.
Joey Silvera Yoshi and Joey�s girl. Yoshi works in the porn biz and is also a very funny stand up comic. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Joey and his girl were great. I felt more nervous meeting a porn legend than when I met Billy Joel.
www.robertkellylive.com
Ice Tea and me. I was going to do the red eye thingy. But I thought it looked appropriate for him to have devil eyes. I think he is pointing at my neck fat. look at the skinny girl fingers.
www.robertkellylive.com
Chuck Zito and me. Again look at his man hands and then look at my thin Asian girl fingers. I couldn't open a jar of pickles
www.robertkellylive.com
Harry Morton, Jeff Beacher and Me.Two of the greatest guys on the planet. Harry ownes the Hard Rock and Beach runs the Madhouse.
www.robertkellylive.com
Joey Silvera Yoshi and Joey�s girl. Yoshi works in the porn biz and is also a very funny stand up comic. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Joey and his girl were great. I felt more nervous meeting a porn legend than when I met Billy Joel.
www.robertkellylive.com
Ice Tea and me. I was going to do the red eye thingy. But I thought it looked appropriate for him to have devil eyes. I think he is pointing at my neck fat. look at the skinny girl fingers.
www.robertkellylive.com
Chuck Zito and me. Again look at his man hands and then look at my thin Asian girl fingers. I couldn't open a jar of pickles
www.robertkellylive.com
Harry Morton, Jeff Beacher and Me.Two of the greatest guys on the planet. Harry ownes the Hard Rock and Beach runs the Madhouse.
www.robertkellylive.com
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