the NOT YOU!!! STORY

I wanted to tell the story of were NOT YOU! Came from.
It is a case of my two worlds colliding. In one hand I have all the college kids and fans that don’t know me from the O and A show. When they here someone yell. Your great not you! They don’t know what it means and think people are just being mean. And then you have people who know me from O and A who when they say not you are just showing there love for the show and me.
I will tell you the whole story so that everyone can be in on the joke.
This is the NOT YOU!!!! Story. AKA Jerry Seinfeld story.

Jerry had been coming down to the club to do spots and get ready for his up coming concert. He had a camera crew with him at all times. They were filming the movie comedian at the same time. Needless to say there were a lot of comics trying to get in on the action. Sitting down near him trying to strike up conversations get a little airtime if you know what I mean. I never wanted to do that. Anytime someone famous comes down I try and stay away from the back table. I don’t want to come over and sit down and feel like I have to say something because a legend in the biz is there. If we strike up a conversation and its organic, cool, if not fuck’em. Robin Williams came to the club one night and talked to me. Now if I see him there I feel like I could say hi with out feeling like an open mic jack off kiss ass. Robin is a really nice guy. I have even talked to him a couple of times since then. I don’t want to force a conversation with someone because of who they are in the biz. I’m there trying to get better on stage so I can be were they are at some point.
But one night Jerry and his film crew were there I was yapping to all the other comics about some sports trivia. I was making bets about if Gretski was on the ranger’s team that won the Stanley cup. I was saying he was, and everyone else was saying he wasn’t. I was taking dollar bets from everyone. That’s when jerry chimed in and said I’ll take some of that action. I turned around and saw he was talking to me. So I said ok and took bets from him and all three of his camera crew. We chatted a little more about it and that was it. But in my delusional mind I took that as, hey we broke the ice organically now I could talk to him with out feeling like a kiss ass. Boy was I wrong.
The next day I had to fly out for a two-day road gig. I don’t remember were the first gig was but it was in the middle of no were. The next gig was in between Buffalo New York and Rochester New York. I was supposed to fly in to New York City the night before and then drive to the gig. That didn’t work out so well. My plane was delayed in hot lanta for three hours and when we finally got on the plane I fell a sleep for two hours and woke up back in Atlanta. I had to get a hotel and take the first flight out in the morning. But now I had to fly strait to Buffalo New York. This gig was turning out to be a hell gig. I got on the plane the next morning and flew to Buffalo. When I got there the school said they would not pick me up or pay for a car. So now I had to pay out of my own pocket $125 each way to have a care service get me to this gig. I was pissed. But now I was determined to do this show. My agent hired this care service to pick me up. I came out of baggage claim and there was this guy holding up a sing with my dame on it. He looked like the guy from the Pringles box. He says, are you Robert? I said yes, Ok good lets go. And then rushed me out of the airport. I was looking for a limo of some sorts but no it was a 1985 party van with captain’s chairs and VCR and TV in the back. We get in and he puts these headphones on and just starts laughing. I look up and it The Seinfeld show is on. Then I look to my left and there is every Seinfeld episode on VHS tape. He drives around all day picking people up and listens to the show and laughs like a lunatic. So I put the headphones on and joined this crazy man in his hijinks. We had an hour ride to the show and then two more hours to kill once we got there. I was hungry so I asked this jerry nut if he wanted to stop and get some lunch. He said yes so we went into this nice restaurant and sat down. He started telling me about how much he loved Jerry and the show. And how he wanted to do stand up and give it a try. The weird thing is he kept calling me jerry. I kept telling him my name is bob to which he replied I know I just love Jerry. After lunch we went to this show.
Now in comedy there are three things that tell you if the show is going to suck.
1 Out side shows
2 After noon shows
And 3 after any bands or before any bands. Music and comedy don’t mix. Never have and never will. But that won’t stop these morons from booking bands and comics together. And it won’t stop comics from prostituting them selves out for large sums of money to do these shows.
Now my show that I was about to do was out side, in the rain, under a ten, after a band, during a beer fest next to a sky diving simulator. This was the worst show ever. The band killed with there rock and roll then they brought me right up. As soon as I hit the stage it started down pouring. So all the drunken kids ran under the tent across from me, which was a half a football field away. I was on a stage under a tent so I had to bend down to do my show so people could see me. Guys were just walking by with funnels screaming FUNNELSSSSS. HA HA HA. And then they would move on. And every two minutes there would be a jet engine sound and a kid flying through the air right next to the stage on the sky diving simulator. I don’t know how but I made it through this gig. The guy pulled the Van right up to the stage like the A team and through me in the Van. I had an hour and a half to make my plane. I was getting the fuck out of dodge. The hole way back he kept asking me if I could get him an autograph from jerry. Now in my head I thought sure I met him the other night we talked he would love this story about the worst gig ever. I really thought he would sit me down at one of the tables at the cellar and make me tell everyone this crazy hell gig story. And we would become great friends and I would get with his management and I would make a short movie with him about this. And get my own show under his production company. I really am a shit head come to think of it.
So the next night I come into the cellar and I see that Jerry is on stage. I go down stairs with his buck from the bet he won. No Gretsky was not on the rangers when they one the cup. So I had this great story to tell my new friend Jerry Seinfeld. I waited by the door for him to come out. As he did with tons of people behind him I said hey here is your buck and held it out for him to grab. He looked at me like who are you. I told him you won that bet Gretsky wasn’t on the rangers. He then grabbed the buck and was about to go up the stairs when I said. But I have a story to tell you first. He said you want your buck back.
I was crushed. What a dick. I said no forget it. He walked up two or three stairs and turned back and said. Hey I will be at the back table when your done come up and sit with me we get some food or something. A huge smile came over my face and I said. You got man I will be up right after I do my set I’ll come up when I’m done and we’ll talk and get some food. That’s when he looked at me and said those words. NOT YOU!!!
He was talking to the lady next to me. The whole room got quiet and the lady he was talking to just looked at me like sorry looser he was talking to me. Jerry just walked up the stairs never to say another world to me again.
So there it is the NOT YOU!! Story I hope you get a kick out of my pain. I tell you these things so I don’t have to carry it around with me myself. So when someone in the crowd yells out not you their not being dicks they’re telling me they liked the story and there glad I shared my pain. And maybe when some one gives them a not you in there life, they can laugh and think of my dumb fat ass.

Robert Kelly