the NOT YOU!!! STORY

I wanted to tell the story of were NOT YOU! Came from.
It is a case of my two worlds colliding. In one hand I have all the college kids and fans that don’t know me from the O and A show. When they here someone yell. Your great not you! They don’t know what it means and think people are just being mean. And then you have people who know me from O and A who when they say not you are just showing there love for the show and me.
I will tell you the whole story so that everyone can be in on the joke.
This is the NOT YOU!!!! Story. AKA Jerry Seinfeld story.

Jerry had been coming down to the club to do spots and get ready for his up coming concert. He had a camera crew with him at all times. They were filming the movie comedian at the same time. Needless to say there were a lot of comics trying to get in on the action. Sitting down near him trying to strike up conversations get a little airtime if you know what I mean. I never wanted to do that. Anytime someone famous comes down I try and stay away from the back table. I don’t want to come over and sit down and feel like I have to say something because a legend in the biz is there. If we strike up a conversation and its organic, cool, if not fuck’em. Robin Williams came to the club one night and talked to me. Now if I see him there I feel like I could say hi with out feeling like an open mic jack off kiss ass. Robin is a really nice guy. I have even talked to him a couple of times since then. I don’t want to force a conversation with someone because of who they are in the biz. I’m there trying to get better on stage so I can be were they are at some point.
But one night Jerry and his film crew were there I was yapping to all the other comics about some sports trivia. I was making bets about if Gretski was on the ranger’s team that won the Stanley cup. I was saying he was, and everyone else was saying he wasn’t. I was taking dollar bets from everyone. That’s when jerry chimed in and said I’ll take some of that action. I turned around and saw he was talking to me. So I said ok and took bets from him and all three of his camera crew. We chatted a little more about it and that was it. But in my delusional mind I took that as, hey we broke the ice organically now I could talk to him with out feeling like a kiss ass. Boy was I wrong.
The next day I had to fly out for a two-day road gig. I don’t remember were the first gig was but it was in the middle of no were. The next gig was in between Buffalo New York and Rochester New York. I was supposed to fly in to New York City the night before and then drive to the gig. That didn’t work out so well. My plane was delayed in hot lanta for three hours and when we finally got on the plane I fell a sleep for two hours and woke up back in Atlanta. I had to get a hotel and take the first flight out in the morning. But now I had to fly strait to Buffalo New York. This gig was turning out to be a hell gig. I got on the plane the next morning and flew to Buffalo. When I got there the school said they would not pick me up or pay for a car. So now I had to pay out of my own pocket $125 each way to have a care service get me to this gig. I was pissed. But now I was determined to do this show. My agent hired this care service to pick me up. I came out of baggage claim and there was this guy holding up a sing with my dame on it. He looked like the guy from the Pringles box. He says, are you Robert? I said yes, Ok good lets go. And then rushed me out of the airport. I was looking for a limo of some sorts but no it was a 1985 party van with captain’s chairs and VCR and TV in the back. We get in and he puts these headphones on and just starts laughing. I look up and it The Seinfeld show is on. Then I look to my left and there is every Seinfeld episode on VHS tape. He drives around all day picking people up and listens to the show and laughs like a lunatic. So I put the headphones on and joined this crazy man in his hijinks. We had an hour ride to the show and then two more hours to kill once we got there. I was hungry so I asked this jerry nut if he wanted to stop and get some lunch. He said yes so we went into this nice restaurant and sat down. He started telling me about how much he loved Jerry and the show. And how he wanted to do stand up and give it a try. The weird thing is he kept calling me jerry. I kept telling him my name is bob to which he replied I know I just love Jerry. After lunch we went to this show.
Now in comedy there are three things that tell you if the show is going to suck.
1 Out side shows
2 After noon shows
And 3 after any bands or before any bands. Music and comedy don’t mix. Never have and never will. But that won’t stop these morons from booking bands and comics together. And it won’t stop comics from prostituting them selves out for large sums of money to do these shows.
Now my show that I was about to do was out side, in the rain, under a ten, after a band, during a beer fest next to a sky diving simulator. This was the worst show ever. The band killed with there rock and roll then they brought me right up. As soon as I hit the stage it started down pouring. So all the drunken kids ran under the tent across from me, which was a half a football field away. I was on a stage under a tent so I had to bend down to do my show so people could see me. Guys were just walking by with funnels screaming FUNNELSSSSS. HA HA HA. And then they would move on. And every two minutes there would be a jet engine sound and a kid flying through the air right next to the stage on the sky diving simulator. I don’t know how but I made it through this gig. The guy pulled the Van right up to the stage like the A team and through me in the Van. I had an hour and a half to make my plane. I was getting the fuck out of dodge. The hole way back he kept asking me if I could get him an autograph from jerry. Now in my head I thought sure I met him the other night we talked he would love this story about the worst gig ever. I really thought he would sit me down at one of the tables at the cellar and make me tell everyone this crazy hell gig story. And we would become great friends and I would get with his management and I would make a short movie with him about this. And get my own show under his production company. I really am a shit head come to think of it.
So the next night I come into the cellar and I see that Jerry is on stage. I go down stairs with his buck from the bet he won. No Gretsky was not on the rangers when they one the cup. So I had this great story to tell my new friend Jerry Seinfeld. I waited by the door for him to come out. As he did with tons of people behind him I said hey here is your buck and held it out for him to grab. He looked at me like who are you. I told him you won that bet Gretsky wasn’t on the rangers. He then grabbed the buck and was about to go up the stairs when I said. But I have a story to tell you first. He said you want your buck back.
I was crushed. What a dick. I said no forget it. He walked up two or three stairs and turned back and said. Hey I will be at the back table when your done come up and sit with me we get some food or something. A huge smile came over my face and I said. You got man I will be up right after I do my set I’ll come up when I’m done and we’ll talk and get some food. That’s when he looked at me and said those words. NOT YOU!!!
He was talking to the lady next to me. The whole room got quiet and the lady he was talking to just looked at me like sorry looser he was talking to me. Jerry just walked up the stairs never to say another world to me again.
So there it is the NOT YOU!! Story I hope you get a kick out of my pain. I tell you these things so I don’t have to carry it around with me myself. So when someone in the crowd yells out not you their not being dicks they’re telling me they liked the story and there glad I shared my pain. And maybe when some one gives them a not you in there life, they can laugh and think of my dumb fat ass.

Robert Kelly

TOURGASM-THEGOOD-THE BAD- AND THE UGLY

Well tourgasm is over. Holly shit what a month. I don’t know were to begin.
When Dane first called me about this I really didn’t know if this thing
would happen. It sounded to good to be true. It did happen and now its over
and it seemed like it was another life time ago, but it just ended a few
weeks ago. Doing twenty schools in thirty days on a tour bus recording all
of it on tape. It was fucking crazy. There were a lot of good times and a
lot of fucking headaches. Most of you think four comics on the road doing
shows wow what a blast. What most of you don’t under stand is that comics
for the most part are fucked up. That’s how we do what we do. We get on
stage and say the shit about our self’s and other people that most people
try not to think about never mind talk about in front of thousands of people
that don’t know you. We have ego’s, insecurity’s, addictions, major fucking
problems. But most of all we are loners. This whole thing is about you alone
getting up on stage by yourself. You write all your shit no one really helps
you. We have friends but we don’t see them everyday like regular friends do.
We don’t talk to each other everyday like regular friends do. This business
is weird like that. I might see you everyday for a month because we are
doing a gig together and then not see them for months or years. But there
are no grudges or hatred involved. It’s just the way it is. We learn to
disconnect to survive. Just to set this up. Dane and me have been friends
since we started. Infact we started together. So I know him and he knows me
pretty well. We fought and argued back in the day, and we had some good ones
I must say. Gary and I we were great friends when we first met. But then he
went his way and I went mine. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t like each
other we knew we were just different people than we were back when we used to hang. Now I didn’t realize this until we spent a month together on a bus.
Now me and Jay Davis never really hung out. We have spent time together here
and there. And we have been cool with each other. Jay will do anything for
you He is a nice guy. But He has a bag full of issues himself. You can be
the nicest guy on the planet and still fuck with people. Now I didn’t know
about Jay and he didn’t know about me. But we sure as hell found out about
each other on this trip. We fought from day one. He didn’t like me talking
about porn and sex. I didn’t like him judging me about shit
like that. Especially when you talk about getting laid and going to strip clubs yourself. You can’t throw your bible in my face and then try to get laid on that very same bible. I wouldn’t care if there were a priest on tour with us. I would still be me. Jay is a very sensitive guy. I’m not. And I forget sometimes that people don’t get busting balls. And that’s all I did to him was bust his balls. Joked around like comics do. But he didn’t get it, He thought I was fucking with him in a bad way. I hang out with the likes of
Colin Quinn, who said my grandmother must have been raped on the Khyber Pass
on national TV. I hang out with Jim Norton who calls me a dumb fatso at
least once a day, Patrice O’Neil who hangs up on me if I start talking about
how I feel. Now you might think this is mean but its not. I think as comics
you have to know your good and bad, and be ok with it. My mother once said
make fun of your self it takes the fun out of it for others. And she was
right. We all make fun of each other’s faults. We put them on the table and
talk about them. And then we bring them on the stage and talk about them to
you and you sit there and relate. There is nothing funnier than hearing
something you relate to. Hey I have a sex problem I have an eating problem I
hate certain things I love certain things. I’m Irish but I look like an
Iraqi. As comics we live in a constant state of awareness. We live in our
truth all day and talk about it at night on stage. Yes we enhance the truth
to make it funny. Did I really shit in my pants wile lying in bed with my
girl? YES ABSOLUTLY. Did she laugh at me? YES SHE DID. Is that real love? YES IT IS. Well ok maybe there is more to real love than shitting in your pants and her not leaving you, but you get my point. I had to pull back on Jay a lot during this trip. It’s not in my nature to hate someone. I could have just told him to fuck off and keep busting his balls and using my skills as a comic to treat him like a heckler. But that is not my nature. I pulled back from him and left him alone. I even treated him with a little more patience than I would any other person. I can be a dick and say things
sometimes that are over the top. I have a joke in my act about busting
balls. There is always that one friend who doesn’t know how to bust balls he
takes shit to far to fast. He just says stuff that don’t make sence it just
hurts. Hey dude your fat. Ya I heard your MOTHERS SICK.
She has loupis you dick. Well that guy is me. I’m the guy that say’s shit
that hurts. But I’m working on that. Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t all to
blame jay has his shit to. He has ADD. He will come in and ask you ten
questions before you can answer one, and then leave like he didn’t even ask
anything. When jay is hungry he is a cunt. So you have to feed him. Believe it or not I got to know Jay on this trip more than anyone else. He is a
good kid at heart who wants to be a better stand up comic. He wants to
headline and he wants to be funnier than he is now. And I want the same
thing. I think all comics want that. So at the end of this him and I
learned how to get along. Now there were other fights and disagreements on
this trip but you will have to wait to see the DVD to get all the dirt. But
I just wanted to say it wasn’t all peaches and whip cream living on a bus
with three other comics being filmed all the time for a whole month.
Sometimes it was fucking hell.

This whole thing was a great experience for me. Most of these people didn’t
know who I was and now they do. Dane could have done this whole thing by
himself and filled just as many seats. But he wanted to get all of us
exposure. Also a documentary with just one comic wouldn’t have been as crazy
than with four very different comics. He wanted the show to be diverse. Jay,
the new guy trying to become better. Me the unknown they guy who hasn’t had
his big break yet. Is it going to come or many not. Gary the guy who had
fame and now trying to keep is popularity going by getting his face out
there and keeping it out there. And then there is Dane who wants to go to
the next level of fame himself. There is a ceiling at every level of fame.
Dane is known but not known. What I’m talking about is there is Dave Atell
and then there is Jim Carey. I’m not talking about their comedy I’m talking
about there fame. The only thing fame is good for is to get your shit out
there to more people. It was a great idea to film this thing. Even though it
was a little fucking annoying some times to always have a camera in your
face. But for the most part it was cool.
Now I know there are going to be things taken out of context when they edit
this thing. I know Dane doesn’t want to fuck with it and make it look like
something happen when it didn’t just for a storyline. That happens to me on
last comic standing. I went into that show knowing I wasn’t going to get on.
I’m too edgy; my jokes are not that TV friendly. So I said fuck it I’m going
to goof off and play with them. There were a bunch of comics I knew and
respected who were not being themselves. Every time that camera was on them
they would turn into some water down version of themselves. I wanted to be
the ass that I am. I was swearing being an ass the whole time. Now I made it
through two nights and the next phase was going to Vegas but I knew I was
not going. There was no way they were going to pick me. I told a few other
comics I didn’t think they were going to get picked either. So just start
swearing when they don’t pick you just say what the fuck over and over again
so they can’t cut to us looking like disappointed jackasses on TV. I was
talking on my phone while they were reading the results making fun of the
judges taken pictures. But when you saw the show they change everything that
happens. They took one shot of me listening to the judges and made it look
like I was waiting in fear to see if my name was going to be called. That
never happened. They took a hole other night and put it together with my night to make it look like I was going up against this girl for the last spot. That never happen. They never showed me talking on my phone, they never showed me fucking with the judges, and they never showed me yelling what the fuck at the end of the show. They just showed me looking like I thought I had a chance to win and I was angry that I didn’t. Luckily I had my camera on my and not only does it take great 3.2 mega pixels picture. It also takes great web movies. So I have the hole thing on video. Now I hope that’s not what happens on this documentary and I don’t think it will. Dane doesn’t want it to be a fake fantasy word. He wants what really happen out there for a month. And what really happen was not all fun and games. but I loved every second of it.

They day I hurt my knee were the first day we were all getting along. It was
a day of up near Niagara falls. We were parked at a camp site just chilled
for the day. We went to the falls for a wile it was pretty boring until I
threw the producer Brians hat off the falls it was great. I took it off
his head and pretended to throw it off as a goof. He then said to me were
you really going to throw it, I said no. That’s when he said I would have
done it. It didn’t take me but two seconds to grab his hat and toss it off
the falls. That’s when he chased me for twenty minutes trying to grab my hat
that someone made for me on the tour. He never caught me and never got my
hat. We made are way back to the camp site were had two luxury tour buses
waiting. It was going to be a great night. Jay and me were getting along
great. Brian the Producer and I were getting along great. Everything
was going great. We started throwing the football around. And then we got a
game going with the crew. They set up the cameras on tripods and there was
one roaming camera filming the game. We were playing on uneven grass and
gravel. The games was going great we were all playing hard and then it got
harder and harder and more serious. I called it quits to smoke a butt and
get out of the game. I was filming a little and getting all the guys some
water. That’s when Brian asked me to step in for him wile he went and check
on the fire for the BBQ we were suppose to have. That’s when it all went
wrong. I say that (when your somewhere and you're going to leave just leave)
When you stop doing something just stop, move on. Those are your initial
instincts and you should trust them. I didn’t and hear I am hopping around
on one leg and it sucks. I heard my leg crack two times. The sound was like
pealing Velcro apart. I went down like a sack of midgets. I thought I broke
my leg because of the sound. And the pain was so fucking bad I couldn’t take
it. I was screaming I broke my leg dude I broke my leg. I don’t know what
happened after that. I just remember being in the hospital waiting for the
doctor to look at my leg and give me some painkillers. I went from one of
the best days to the fucking worst day ever. I just didn’t want to be taken
off the tour. When we got back to the bus I was all doped up and ready for
bed. I felt bad for everyone else to. Me being hurt bumbed everyone else out
to. But it was going to happen, someone was going to get hurt on this trip.
Everything we did up to this point someone was getting hurt. When you see
the DVD you will know what I’m talking about. It just sucked that it had to
me. Not that I wanted anyone else to get hurt. But fuck what did it have to
be me. It was just another thing I had to deal with. The first couple of
shows sucked for me. I like to move around on stage. And Now I just had to
stand there like Henny Youngman, FUCK. The meet and greats after that were
hard on my because my leg would start to throb in pain about an hour in. And
there was nothing I could do just try and get comfortable. And the bus was
cramped with four other guys. So lying down and putting my foot up was out
of the question. But after a couple of days I learned what I could do and
what I couldn’t do.

All that happen on this tour was like it never happened its so surreal. It
seemed like it lasted forever and now that it’s over it went bye to quick.

People think we were just doing shows at night and having a party on the bus
till we got to the next show. That’s not what happen at all. We did shit all
day and then we did the show and after the show we did two and a half to
three hour meet and greats at all the shows. I loved the meet and greets
they were long for all of us especially for you guys waiting to meet us, but
I’m glad you did. People would come up and buy t-shirts or a tourgasm poster
for us to sign. But most of the kids just had a ticket stub they wanted
signed. It was funny they would feel bad that they didn’t have the money to
buy a poster or a t-shirt and all they had was a ticket stub. FUCK THAT you
waiting in line to get my signature. I have been waiting my whole career to
be good enough for someone to want my shitty Rk on a ticket stub. So don’t
feel bad about not buying a shirt you cheap prick. I would say that most of
the people waiting in line wanted to meet and get all of our signatures but
there were some that just wanted Danes. They didn’t like me for whatever
reason. Which is fine, its comedy, and taste in that is personal. There was
one cunt that said I don’t want that fat unfunny comedians signature and
then came up to me and had me sign her ticket. I was like hey what’s up you
ok. She just looked up and said ya. I was like your staring at me like you
want to stab me. She said no I’m ok, and put her ticket in front of me to
sign. Then after she left this guy that was behind her told me what she
said. Now I don’t care that she called me a fat unfunny comedian. My comics
friends say that to my on a daily basis. I just hate this spineless fucking
twat of life because she had me sign her ticket. You fuck smelly stink
wrinkle. You don’t have enough balls to just keep going, or say no thanks,
or say it to my face you skinny mess. Why would you have me sign your
ticket, because you felt bad for me, well Don’t twat. I make money at what I
love, and 99 percent of the people at that show loved my fat ass. Oh ya I
hope you hit a family of raccoons and kill all the baby’s raccoons and get
thrown from the car and the mother raccoon attack your head till your brain
dead. Which would take two to three seconds. And then when your drooling in
your wheelchair I will come buy with a sharpie and sign your face twelve
thousand times you whore. Ok I feel better. Did I take it to far?
Ok so for the most part anyone who didn’t want my signature just walked by
and said hi. Which is fine. But the meet and greet was my favorite part of
the tour. We got to meet all of you and say thanks for coming to the show. I
will say it again thanks for coming to the show. YOU ALL ROCK, even that
brain dead spineless skinny bitch.

The show is over now and we are all back to our own shit. I’m back in New
York. The other guys are back in La La land. I have talk to Jay a couple of
times but that’s it. I don’t talk to Gary but that’s just the way it is.
Dane and I have talked a bunch of times since the tour. But good and bad I
will never forget the month of April 2005. That’s when I went off on the
road with three other comics and a crew and had a blast. Like a rock and
roll band we crossed the country to make a bunch of motherfuckers laugh. I
hope we do this again. I don’t think it will happen but if it does I would
do it again in a heart beat. I just won’t play football next time.

TOURGASM APRIL 2005 its never been done before and it will never be done
like this again.

Robert Kelly