TOURGASM-THEGOOD-THE BAD- AND THE UGLY

Well tourgasm is over. Holly shit what a month. I don’t know were to begin.
When Dane first called me about this I really didn’t know if this thing
would happen. It sounded to good to be true. It did happen and now its over
and it seemed like it was another life time ago, but it just ended a few
weeks ago. Doing twenty schools in thirty days on a tour bus recording all
of it on tape. It was fucking crazy. There were a lot of good times and a
lot of fucking headaches. Most of you think four comics on the road doing
shows wow what a blast. What most of you don’t under stand is that comics
for the most part are fucked up. That’s how we do what we do. We get on
stage and say the shit about our self’s and other people that most people
try not to think about never mind talk about in front of thousands of people
that don’t know you. We have ego’s, insecurity’s, addictions, major fucking
problems. But most of all we are loners. This whole thing is about you alone
getting up on stage by yourself. You write all your shit no one really helps
you. We have friends but we don’t see them everyday like regular friends do.
We don’t talk to each other everyday like regular friends do. This business
is weird like that. I might see you everyday for a month because we are
doing a gig together and then not see them for months or years. But there
are no grudges or hatred involved. It’s just the way it is. We learn to
disconnect to survive. Just to set this up. Dane and me have been friends
since we started. Infact we started together. So I know him and he knows me
pretty well. We fought and argued back in the day, and we had some good ones
I must say. Gary and I we were great friends when we first met. But then he
went his way and I went mine. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t like each
other we knew we were just different people than we were back when we used to hang. Now I didn’t realize this until we spent a month together on a bus.
Now me and Jay Davis never really hung out. We have spent time together here
and there. And we have been cool with each other. Jay will do anything for
you He is a nice guy. But He has a bag full of issues himself. You can be
the nicest guy on the planet and still fuck with people. Now I didn’t know
about Jay and he didn’t know about me. But we sure as hell found out about
each other on this trip. We fought from day one. He didn’t like me talking
about porn and sex. I didn’t like him judging me about shit
like that. Especially when you talk about getting laid and going to strip clubs yourself. You can’t throw your bible in my face and then try to get laid on that very same bible. I wouldn’t care if there were a priest on tour with us. I would still be me. Jay is a very sensitive guy. I’m not. And I forget sometimes that people don’t get busting balls. And that’s all I did to him was bust his balls. Joked around like comics do. But he didn’t get it, He thought I was fucking with him in a bad way. I hang out with the likes of
Colin Quinn, who said my grandmother must have been raped on the Khyber Pass
on national TV. I hang out with Jim Norton who calls me a dumb fatso at
least once a day, Patrice O’Neil who hangs up on me if I start talking about
how I feel. Now you might think this is mean but its not. I think as comics
you have to know your good and bad, and be ok with it. My mother once said
make fun of your self it takes the fun out of it for others. And she was
right. We all make fun of each other’s faults. We put them on the table and
talk about them. And then we bring them on the stage and talk about them to
you and you sit there and relate. There is nothing funnier than hearing
something you relate to. Hey I have a sex problem I have an eating problem I
hate certain things I love certain things. I’m Irish but I look like an
Iraqi. As comics we live in a constant state of awareness. We live in our
truth all day and talk about it at night on stage. Yes we enhance the truth
to make it funny. Did I really shit in my pants wile lying in bed with my
girl? YES ABSOLUTLY. Did she laugh at me? YES SHE DID. Is that real love? YES IT IS. Well ok maybe there is more to real love than shitting in your pants and her not leaving you, but you get my point. I had to pull back on Jay a lot during this trip. It’s not in my nature to hate someone. I could have just told him to fuck off and keep busting his balls and using my skills as a comic to treat him like a heckler. But that is not my nature. I pulled back from him and left him alone. I even treated him with a little more patience than I would any other person. I can be a dick and say things
sometimes that are over the top. I have a joke in my act about busting
balls. There is always that one friend who doesn’t know how to bust balls he
takes shit to far to fast. He just says stuff that don’t make sence it just
hurts. Hey dude your fat. Ya I heard your MOTHERS SICK.
She has loupis you dick. Well that guy is me. I’m the guy that say’s shit
that hurts. But I’m working on that. Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t all to
blame jay has his shit to. He has ADD. He will come in and ask you ten
questions before you can answer one, and then leave like he didn’t even ask
anything. When jay is hungry he is a cunt. So you have to feed him. Believe it or not I got to know Jay on this trip more than anyone else. He is a
good kid at heart who wants to be a better stand up comic. He wants to
headline and he wants to be funnier than he is now. And I want the same
thing. I think all comics want that. So at the end of this him and I
learned how to get along. Now there were other fights and disagreements on
this trip but you will have to wait to see the DVD to get all the dirt. But
I just wanted to say it wasn’t all peaches and whip cream living on a bus
with three other comics being filmed all the time for a whole month.
Sometimes it was fucking hell.

This whole thing was a great experience for me. Most of these people didn’t
know who I was and now they do. Dane could have done this whole thing by
himself and filled just as many seats. But he wanted to get all of us
exposure. Also a documentary with just one comic wouldn’t have been as crazy
than with four very different comics. He wanted the show to be diverse. Jay,
the new guy trying to become better. Me the unknown they guy who hasn’t had
his big break yet. Is it going to come or many not. Gary the guy who had
fame and now trying to keep is popularity going by getting his face out
there and keeping it out there. And then there is Dane who wants to go to
the next level of fame himself. There is a ceiling at every level of fame.
Dane is known but not known. What I’m talking about is there is Dave Atell
and then there is Jim Carey. I’m not talking about their comedy I’m talking
about there fame. The only thing fame is good for is to get your shit out
there to more people. It was a great idea to film this thing. Even though it
was a little fucking annoying some times to always have a camera in your
face. But for the most part it was cool.
Now I know there are going to be things taken out of context when they edit
this thing. I know Dane doesn’t want to fuck with it and make it look like
something happen when it didn’t just for a storyline. That happens to me on
last comic standing. I went into that show knowing I wasn’t going to get on.
I’m too edgy; my jokes are not that TV friendly. So I said fuck it I’m going
to goof off and play with them. There were a bunch of comics I knew and
respected who were not being themselves. Every time that camera was on them
they would turn into some water down version of themselves. I wanted to be
the ass that I am. I was swearing being an ass the whole time. Now I made it
through two nights and the next phase was going to Vegas but I knew I was
not going. There was no way they were going to pick me. I told a few other
comics I didn’t think they were going to get picked either. So just start
swearing when they don’t pick you just say what the fuck over and over again
so they can’t cut to us looking like disappointed jackasses on TV. I was
talking on my phone while they were reading the results making fun of the
judges taken pictures. But when you saw the show they change everything that
happens. They took one shot of me listening to the judges and made it look
like I was waiting in fear to see if my name was going to be called. That
never happened. They took a hole other night and put it together with my night to make it look like I was going up against this girl for the last spot. That never happen. They never showed me talking on my phone, they never showed me fucking with the judges, and they never showed me yelling what the fuck at the end of the show. They just showed me looking like I thought I had a chance to win and I was angry that I didn’t. Luckily I had my camera on my and not only does it take great 3.2 mega pixels picture. It also takes great web movies. So I have the hole thing on video. Now I hope that’s not what happens on this documentary and I don’t think it will. Dane doesn’t want it to be a fake fantasy word. He wants what really happen out there for a month. And what really happen was not all fun and games. but I loved every second of it.

They day I hurt my knee were the first day we were all getting along. It was
a day of up near Niagara falls. We were parked at a camp site just chilled
for the day. We went to the falls for a wile it was pretty boring until I
threw the producer Brians hat off the falls it was great. I took it off
his head and pretended to throw it off as a goof. He then said to me were
you really going to throw it, I said no. That’s when he said I would have
done it. It didn’t take me but two seconds to grab his hat and toss it off
the falls. That’s when he chased me for twenty minutes trying to grab my hat
that someone made for me on the tour. He never caught me and never got my
hat. We made are way back to the camp site were had two luxury tour buses
waiting. It was going to be a great night. Jay and me were getting along
great. Brian the Producer and I were getting along great. Everything
was going great. We started throwing the football around. And then we got a
game going with the crew. They set up the cameras on tripods and there was
one roaming camera filming the game. We were playing on uneven grass and
gravel. The games was going great we were all playing hard and then it got
harder and harder and more serious. I called it quits to smoke a butt and
get out of the game. I was filming a little and getting all the guys some
water. That’s when Brian asked me to step in for him wile he went and check
on the fire for the BBQ we were suppose to have. That’s when it all went
wrong. I say that (when your somewhere and you're going to leave just leave)
When you stop doing something just stop, move on. Those are your initial
instincts and you should trust them. I didn’t and hear I am hopping around
on one leg and it sucks. I heard my leg crack two times. The sound was like
pealing Velcro apart. I went down like a sack of midgets. I thought I broke
my leg because of the sound. And the pain was so fucking bad I couldn’t take
it. I was screaming I broke my leg dude I broke my leg. I don’t know what
happened after that. I just remember being in the hospital waiting for the
doctor to look at my leg and give me some painkillers. I went from one of
the best days to the fucking worst day ever. I just didn’t want to be taken
off the tour. When we got back to the bus I was all doped up and ready for
bed. I felt bad for everyone else to. Me being hurt bumbed everyone else out
to. But it was going to happen, someone was going to get hurt on this trip.
Everything we did up to this point someone was getting hurt. When you see
the DVD you will know what I’m talking about. It just sucked that it had to
me. Not that I wanted anyone else to get hurt. But fuck what did it have to
be me. It was just another thing I had to deal with. The first couple of
shows sucked for me. I like to move around on stage. And Now I just had to
stand there like Henny Youngman, FUCK. The meet and greats after that were
hard on my because my leg would start to throb in pain about an hour in. And
there was nothing I could do just try and get comfortable. And the bus was
cramped with four other guys. So lying down and putting my foot up was out
of the question. But after a couple of days I learned what I could do and
what I couldn’t do.

All that happen on this tour was like it never happened its so surreal. It
seemed like it lasted forever and now that it’s over it went bye to quick.

People think we were just doing shows at night and having a party on the bus
till we got to the next show. That’s not what happen at all. We did shit all
day and then we did the show and after the show we did two and a half to
three hour meet and greats at all the shows. I loved the meet and greets
they were long for all of us especially for you guys waiting to meet us, but
I’m glad you did. People would come up and buy t-shirts or a tourgasm poster
for us to sign. But most of the kids just had a ticket stub they wanted
signed. It was funny they would feel bad that they didn’t have the money to
buy a poster or a t-shirt and all they had was a ticket stub. FUCK THAT you
waiting in line to get my signature. I have been waiting my whole career to
be good enough for someone to want my shitty Rk on a ticket stub. So don’t
feel bad about not buying a shirt you cheap prick. I would say that most of
the people waiting in line wanted to meet and get all of our signatures but
there were some that just wanted Danes. They didn’t like me for whatever
reason. Which is fine, its comedy, and taste in that is personal. There was
one cunt that said I don’t want that fat unfunny comedians signature and
then came up to me and had me sign her ticket. I was like hey what’s up you
ok. She just looked up and said ya. I was like your staring at me like you
want to stab me. She said no I’m ok, and put her ticket in front of me to
sign. Then after she left this guy that was behind her told me what she
said. Now I don’t care that she called me a fat unfunny comedian. My comics
friends say that to my on a daily basis. I just hate this spineless fucking
twat of life because she had me sign her ticket. You fuck smelly stink
wrinkle. You don’t have enough balls to just keep going, or say no thanks,
or say it to my face you skinny mess. Why would you have me sign your
ticket, because you felt bad for me, well Don’t twat. I make money at what I
love, and 99 percent of the people at that show loved my fat ass. Oh ya I
hope you hit a family of raccoons and kill all the baby’s raccoons and get
thrown from the car and the mother raccoon attack your head till your brain
dead. Which would take two to three seconds. And then when your drooling in
your wheelchair I will come buy with a sharpie and sign your face twelve
thousand times you whore. Ok I feel better. Did I take it to far?
Ok so for the most part anyone who didn’t want my signature just walked by
and said hi. Which is fine. But the meet and greet was my favorite part of
the tour. We got to meet all of you and say thanks for coming to the show. I
will say it again thanks for coming to the show. YOU ALL ROCK, even that
brain dead spineless skinny bitch.

The show is over now and we are all back to our own shit. I’m back in New
York. The other guys are back in La La land. I have talk to Jay a couple of
times but that’s it. I don’t talk to Gary but that’s just the way it is.
Dane and I have talked a bunch of times since the tour. But good and bad I
will never forget the month of April 2005. That’s when I went off on the
road with three other comics and a crew and had a blast. Like a rock and
roll band we crossed the country to make a bunch of motherfuckers laugh. I
hope we do this again. I don’t think it will happen but if it does I would
do it again in a heart beat. I just won’t play football next time.

TOURGASM APRIL 2005 its never been done before and it will never be done
like this again.

Robert Kelly